“I really think this is going to be it for me,” remarked Tommy Lindeman as he waited anxiously in the waiting room of his doctor’s office. “This will be the moment I rocket to stardom.”

Lindeman was visiting the office for his most recent body augmentation procedure. This time, he would be getting filler.

“The trick is to make it seem like essential health care, you know, to get the insurance company to pay for it,” explained Lindeman. “Otherwise, body work gets expensive!”

“[Lindeman] has been complaining of sore throats for the last three years,” said his wife, L. Burton. “I told him to get it checked out for that entire time, but did he listen to me? No.

“It wasn’t until I mentioned that filler might be an option that he actually made the appointment.”

After an initial meeting with a laryngologist, Lindeman was diagnosed with an atrophied vocal cord, probably due to a nasty bout of COVID-19 at the end of 2020. And the treatment plan was exactly what he was hoping for.

“Fill me up, baby!” Lindeman is said to have exclaimed loudly over and over after his diagnosis. The doctor would inject filler into his vocal cord to, according to medical jargon, “plump that puppy up.” Lindeman was ecstatic.

“Honestly, I’ll do anything for the paycheck,” Lindeman’s laryngologist said. “If he wants it, and he’ll pay out the wazoodle for it, who am I to judge?”

The filler procedure is only the latest in a long list of body enhancements that Lindeman has been pursuing. Most recently, he augmented himself with a pair of implants.

“Everyone should be able to have their physical body match what they feel in their heart of hearts it should truly be,” explained Lindeman. “For the longest time, I believed my body was limiting my true self. And so I got a pair of great silicon implants to make my vision my reality. Who would stop that?”

Lindeman referred to his ocular implants as “vision-affirming surgery,” ending three decades of imperfect vision.

Between his implants and his filler, Lindeman hopes to become perfect enough to be cast in the pinnacle of stardom: reality television.

“You look at a lot of reality TV shows, and all the actors and actresses have some kind of work done,” said Lindeman. “Age has no effect on them, they have become their truest selves — and the camera eats it up! So I’m looking to get eaten up too.

“I haven’t heard anything yet, but it’s early days.”

So what’s next for Lindeman in his Frankensteinian mission to slice and dice his body into reality TV’s next himbo? Tattooed eyebrows? Knee extensions? A BBL?

Lindeman smiles at the question and winks with both eyes. “Only time will tell!”