On March 16, the city of Chicago celebrated its biggest annual holiday by dyeing its namesake river the Crayola color “Toxic Waste Green™”. Millions flock to this event, celebrating with green outfits, green beers, and green vomit in the streets.
“St. Paddy’s Day is an amazing weekend,” said the mayor of Chicago, as their green beer sloshed over the rim and all over their wrist and hand. “We got the beers, we got the bros, and we got the hotdogs. Probably the best weekend of the year for this miserable, cold, windy city.”
However, every bright light brings a shadow: rumors abound of the return of Chicago’s mysterious “St. Paddy’s Day Pincher”.
“He’s a menace,” said the editor-in-chief of the Chicago News. “He’s going around the city, pinching anyone not wearing green. We need pictures to identify this man. No one is safe!
He pinched my mother’s tookas!”
The Pincher hasn’t been caught by camera anywhere, but his presence — and devious deeds — is evident throughout the city.
“It’s horrible,” recounts an attendee covered in welts and bruises. “He doesn’t just do a single pinch. He pinches and pinches until you run away or find something green to wear.”
“One time, he followed me into a Walgreens, pinching me over and over until I bought a green hair tie,” said another. “Then, he just disappeared.”
T. Lindeman travels to Chicago every year for a “Boys’ Trip,” visiting friends and engaging in the festivities of the city’s biggest holiday.
“We love it,” explained Lindeman. “We get to see a river that looks like the same color as the Ooze that made the Ninja Turtles. And all the bars in the area serve green drinks that I assume are made from that same water.”
Lindeman has visited Chicago for the event nearly every year for the past 10 years. However, nearly half of those visits accidentally missed the correct weekend for the river dyeing, arriving either a week too early, or too late.
“You’d think after scheduling for the wrong weekend once, that would be lesson enough,” said Lindeman. “But you’d be wrong.”
Suspiciously, the St. Paddy’s Day Pincher also arrived on the same wrong weekends in the past. On those weekends, he truly proved to be a menacing antagonist.
“So many more victims are pinched on those off-weekends,” reported the Chicago chief of police, tossing back a shot of green Malört and gagging. “Why would someone think to wear green on a weekend that wasn’t St. Patrick’s Day? We had no warning — and I have the welts to prove it.”
“He was 15 feet tall, he was,” slurred an anonymous reveler. “With skin as green as clover, eyes like the emerald sea, and incredible abs! I think I stood next to him at the urinal at Streeter’s.” Video evidence from Streeter’s Tavern shows the anonymous reveler entering the men’s restroom alone, slipping on the wet floor, and falling into the urinal trough, before vomiting on himself and falling asleep. Or, the “Streeter’s Special,” according to the sign out front.
Lindeman confirms that fact that his visits aligned with the Pincher’s are coincidental and entirely unrelated.
“I’ve never heard of this handsome Pincher,” remarked Lindeman, whose thumb and pointer finger are currently in splints. When asked why, he explained the digits were worn out from overuse. “It has nothing to do with anything.”
At the close of the weekend, the Pincher vanished into the night. At about the same time, Lindeman boarded his plane home. Can we expect another visit next year? This reporter says yes, probably whenever Lindeman returns. Whether that be on the right weekend or the wrong.
Don’t forget your green, Chicago.