Fitness and exercise goals are great motivators. They push people to live better, healthier lives and to take care of their bodies. For most, fitness is all upside, very little downside. But is one exercise guru pushing the lifestyle too far with a potentially dangerous new system?
“I subscribe to a single, very specific mantra in life,” explained Lindeman, who has previously claimed to live by sole mantras that include “Never forgive, never forget”, “Nothing in moderation, except moderation”, and “Don’t pass up an opportunity to sit down”.
“And that is Live Laugh Lunk.”
According to Lindeman, the idea behind Live Laugh Lunk is to live your life to its fullest, to find reasons to laugh as often as you can, and to act like a stereotypical gym-rat meathead whenever you exercise.
“Gym-rat meatheads are incredible role models,” said Lindeman. “They find joy in the smallest things — adding a single pound to the max amount they lift, slamming big things onto the floor, flexing a pec along to a sweet beat, clapping one of the fellas on the tushy… it’s a lifestyle of positivity and good, clean vibes.”
Unfortunately, the Live Laugh Lunk mantra is not appropriate for all locales, as Lindeman learned.
It started when Lindeman decided to join a gym. With an income-to-expenses ratio weighted in the wrong direction, he opted for the cheapest option, a $7 per month membership to Planet Fitness.
“They had everything I needed,” remembered Lindeman. “Big plates for racks, heavy dumbbells, and an assortment of cardio equipment I would rarely touch.
“Oh, and Free Pizza Fridays. What a nice benefit!”
Things started off fine for the first few sessions. Lindeman would get to the gym and work on a mean pump, get a good sweat going, and head out. He felt good about every single bicep rep as he stood front and center in a squat rack, staring at himself in the mirror. Life Laugh Lunk was in full swing.
The good times couldn’t last. One day, after slapping some oil on his arms and pouring an entire water bottle on his face to get a sip, he stepped up to the free weights and began a set of dumbbell pulls. It wasn’t long before an alarm sounded in the gym and a light on the wall flashed.
“I thought it was a fire alarm or something,” said Lindeman, “but no one else stopped what they were doing. In fact, not only did they keep working out, but lots of people were staring at me.”
It was the Lunk Alarm.
“We set off the Lunk Alarm whenever someone in the gym is behaving in a way that could intimidate the other members,” explained a representative from Planet Fitness. “We try to create a safe, welcoming environment for everyone, and it doesn’t help when so-called ‘lunks’ come in and throw weights on the floor, film themselves squatting, or grunt their way through a workout.”
They continued: “During this specific incident, the offending member was grunting excessively.”
The representative shared an audio recording of Lindeman’s workout, wherein he can be heard letting out multiple throaty “uhnn”s and “agghhh”s and “aahhwoooogaa”s, not dissimilar to the sounds of animals at a watering hole.
“I hadn’t even realized I was making those sounds,” claimed Lindeman after The Lindeman Daily played the audio for him. “But it makes sense — grunts are a sure-fire way to motivate your muscles into pumping out a tough rep. It’s just part of fitness.
“But I guess I was doing something wrong? Or maybe something right, if they call it the Lunk Alarm and I’m living my best Live Laugh Lunk. I don’t know.”
After his public chastising, Lindeman decided to try to tone down his grunts so he wouldn’t be kicked out and lose his cheap gym membership — or Free Pizza Fridays.
“I figured I could still live my mantra even without audible grunts. There’s a lot more to Live Laugh Lunk than just vocalizing beefiness.”
After another week of workouts without incident, Lindeman was back in the gym feeling at home in his Live Laugh Lunk lifestyle. With squats on his mind and gains to be made, he headed to the guided squat rack. It was there, tragedy struck again.
“I was feeling ambitious, and wanted to really push my tush, you know?” said Lindeman. “I loaded up the machine with all the weights that were at that station and used my rump for the one thing it’s good for. But I wanted more.”
Video shared by Planet Fitness shows Lindeman looking around to ensure no staff members were in the area, before taking the weights from the nearby machines to load his own rack up with as much weight as it could hold.
After pushing out a single squat, the video shows a light flashing in the background.
“He obviously knew he was doing something wrong,” remarked the representative. “The video clearly captures him rubbing his hands together before taking gigantic tippy-toe steps to and from the other squat racks.”
With two strikes under his belt, Lindeman became extremely cautious with every move he made at the gym.
“I just didn’t want to get banned,” said Lindeman. “It was a really great price.”
Deeming the dumbbells and all the weighted machines to be too dangerous (“The temptation to lunk out would be too great!”), Lindeman settled on what he thought would be the safest machine in the gym: the treadmill.
“I’m not even a good runner,” explained Lindeman. “There’s no way I could intimidate anyone or break any rules. I’m slow!”
Unfortunately, Lindeman is a notorious sweater. In the past, he’s noticed puddles under rowing machines, lakes under stationary bikes, and oceans in his sneakers during social situations. But he’d never had an issue with running, at least none that he noticed while running outside.
“It was a sight to behold,” explained one gym-goer who had unfortunately been within the Splash Zone. “I remember it all in slow motion — water fountaining off of every inch of him, spraying in the air, and covering the treadmills all around him — and me! There was so much sweat, I’m surprised he was able to see his metrics on the screen in front of him!”
The video evidence is clear: with every pump of Lindeman’s arms, sweat flew in every direction, covering people, places, and things in a large radius around him.
Before Lindeman reached the halfway point in his run, it happened. A third alarm sounded, bringing Lindeman to the status of Certified Lunk.*
“I tried to explain that it was just my body, and that if they had an issue with it, they were essentially body-shaming me. Who was the real victim, huh?” asked Lindeman. “But they wouldn’t have it, they said I was creating an uncomfortable gym environment, and that I would have to leave.”
“It was disgusting,” the gym representative commented. “He was disgusting.”
With no machines left to him, Lindeman departed Planet Fitness. He never went back.
“I guess the world [of Planet Fitness] wasn’t ready for the Live Laugh Lunk lifestyle.
“I only wish that I could have made it to a Free Pizza Friday.”
*A Certified Lunk is anyone who has received at least three Lunk Alarm citations.
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Planet Fitness is not paying for this free advertisement despite many calls and emails to get some money for it, or at least an invitation to a Free Pizza Friday.