Tag: pregnancy

Lindeman Takes to Fatherhood with Confidence and Obstinance

On By TommyIn Current Articles, The Lindeman Daily1 Comment

While most new parents find themselves quickly humbled by the seismic life changes and scramble for help from their family and peers, it takes a certain kind of bullheadedness to ignore all advice and warning signs of imminent failure.

“It actually hasn’t been as bad as people say,” said T. Lindeman of Philadelphia, PA.

Lindeman believes all the doom and gloom experienced parents talk about is simply a way to feel superior to inexperienced, soon-to-be caretakers. “Parents pretend they have secret knowledge that only their lived experience teaches. And they hand it out like candy on Halloween, whether you ring the bell or not. No, thank you; in my vast 9 months of parenthood, I have yet to experience anything that I couldn’t intuit without any outside help.”

In fact, Lindeman believes his own experience is itself wholly different and superior, and he must share it with the world so others can be truly prepared.

“He’s really taken to ‘mom-splaining’ everything to people,” said one anonymous non-parent who has been on the receiving end of his unwanted succor. “At the same time, he is completely dismissive of other parents’ advice.”

For Lindeman, there’s a reason.

“Honestly, it kind of feels like we are the first people to ever have kids, so no one can really teach us anything. Others may have had kids, but not like us, not like this.”

Lindeman’s mom-splaining began during the pregnancy: after buying a single baby book, he began explaining to his wife, L. Burton, all the bodily changes she would be going through. “I’m just glad I could be a resource for her and share my knowledge during this transformative time,” said Lindeman of his wife, a board-certified OB/GYN.

After the shocking events of a normal childbirth, where Lindeman only came close to passing out “a couple of times,” mostly due to surprise (“I can’t believe no one told us!”), Lindeman installed the new baby’s car seat without any help, except for a few YouTube tutorials. Then they were home and into the throes of parenting.

“It’s the easy stuff that you just kind of intuitively know,” explained Lindeman. “Like changing a diaper. Just clean it up, grab a new one.” It wasn’t until the 6th week that Lindeman realized he shouldn’t just put a new diaper over top of the old one each time. By then, the smelly paper mâché had hardened into a large protective shell around the baby’s pelvis and needed to be removed by a professional welder.

“But I figured it out on my own, and now I can share this information with the world,” said Lindeman. “When you change a diaper, you need to first take off the old one.

“It’s just something you figure out as a parent, that no one can teach you or prepare you for.”

While countless other parents repeatedly told Lindeman that the baby needed to be dressed in soft, bamboo fabrics that can resist the toughest stains, Lindeman knew better.

“He just dresses the baby the same as he dresses himself,” explained Burton. “That means having no clue about color theory, matching, style, or even practicality with regard to weather.” Swim trunks in a snowstorm, jeans on the beach, and diaper-only in the rain are just a few of the more perplexing outfit choices Lindeman has made. “And don’t get me started on how he dresses the baby!”

Feedings are another area that experienced parents share unsolicited opinions with new parents. Formula vs. milk, American formula or international, how much chocolate is too much chocolate… debates that have raged for untold millennia.

For Lindeman, he refers to feedings as “watering” the baby. “Everyone says to let babies lead their own feedings, we should follow their cues, expose them to everything you can early,” said Lindeman. “But my baby needs to be used to the finer things in life.” He treats his infant to Sushi-Sundays, Taco Tuesdays, and a nice steak dinner every Friday. Unfortunately, the baby’s minimal number of teeth don’t help him eat. “It’s like he doesn’t even appreciate it,” whined Lindeman, showing a gummed-up, mangled, but still full-sized rib-eye.

Another piece of unsolicited advice has been to expose the baby to music, but not to play it too loud. Lindeman, however, wants the baby to be cool, so he blasts emo classics as loud as possible. And for the baby, these deafening songs take on new meaning.

“When we listen to ‘Screaming Infidelities’ by Dashboard Confessional, the line about hair being everywhere refers to the constant danger of hair tourniquets on his fingers and toes. ‘Cute Without The E’ by Taking Back Sunday refers to how he’s really cute but there’s no E in his name. And ‘I’m Not Okay (I Promise)’ by My Chemical Romance is all about him when he’s tired, hungry, wet, or irritated by the music being too loud.”

After feedings and music, Lindeman’s favorite activity with the baby is bath time. “We always hear ‘Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater,’“ said Lindeman. “But the drain is so small, that’s not even a possibility. People are so paranoid.”

Lindeman follows his own patented routine for bath time: he draws the water, grabs some toys, and gets in to test it all out for fun. Once he’s had his playtime, the baby joins him — and bathing suits stay on “to keep the poops to a minimum.” Then they splash around, practice swimming, and laugh at each other’s stinky bubbles. Bath time usually ends when one screams and jumps out at the sight of a stinky submarine.

Then comes bedtime.

“I don’t need any advice about anything,” said Lindeman. “But I certainly don’t need any advice about going to bed. I’ve been going to bed for years.” He starts the baby’s bedtime just as he does his own — with a little milk and a good book. “We’ve started with the classics: Tolstoy, Kafka, even a few dramatic readings of Shakespeare where I play all the characters.

“But none of that really keeps his attention like the Boynton-Verse books and Goodnight Moon.” Lindeman finds it pretty aggravating when the baby falls asleep before the end of a book, and is forced to finish reading the Woodland Dance alone.

“Lately, I’ve been trying to keep him engaged by reading Goosebumps and Stephen King novels. I don’t think the quote-unquote expert parents would agree with my unorthodox parenting style.

“But those books have definitely led to tighter snuggles.”

Lindeman Swears Off Sleep, Hygiene

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“I don’t need sleep anymore,” claims T. Lindeman of Philadelphia, sporting a smile that doesn’t reach his bloodshot eyes. Two months into raising their son, Ford, Lindeman believes he has figured it all out.

“We typically put the baby down at 10:15pm after a few hours of soothing him to sleep,” explains L. Burton, Lindeman’s roommate and wife and Ford’s mother. “Then he’s up at 10:30pm, wide awake and ready to take on the world.”

The baby has been absolutely delightful during the day, napping infrequently but behaving like the happiest little sack of mashed potatoes.

But then nightfall comes and his eyes roll back into his skull. His tongue flops out to an impossible length. And he wails like a sailor’s wife who was just told her husband would not be returning home from his voyage.

When family comes to spend the night and help, baby Ford hides his dark side (and this reporter is not talking about his bottom, which he presents for pats at every opportunity). But as soon as the guests leave and the door closes behind them, the child’s head turns completely around like an owl and he lets out a screech that shatters glassware.

“He’s gaslighting everyone into thinking he’s an angel at all times,” says Burton as she rocks Ford, an angel baby . “He’s gassy and gaslighting.”

“I’m fine!” says Lindeman, who looks to be suffering from the same aging illness as King Theoden at the start of The Two Towers. “I’ve moved past the evolutionary need to even rest my eyes,” he continues through tears pink with blood.

About a year ago, Lindeman purchased a Pokémon-themed sleep tracker as an impulse buy. “I would regularly get a sleep rating of five Snorlaxs and a Drowzee before the baby,” says Lindeman as if it were something to brag about. “But now that Ford is here, the rating has changed to a single Weepinbell and a Muk. I don’t even know what that means!”

It’s not just sleep that Lindeman has decided to do without.

“When he cries, there’s no time to shower,” explains the very greasy Lindeman. “Or brush your teeth. Or wipe. But those are all unnecessary. Back in the day, people never did any of those things!” Historical evidence points to bathing beginning as early as the third millennium B.C.

Despite his obvious fatigue and body odor, Lindeman is extremely excited about his days with Ford. When the baby reached 6 weeks old, Burton had to return to work, and Lindeman began his paternity leave.

“It’s awesome,” says Lindeman, a smear of poop on his shirt that he has yet to notice. “It’s just nonstop Boy Time, which is my favorite time. We’ve been hanging, relaxing, crying, chilling… all the best things!” As he notices the poop smear, his shoulders drop and he lets out a sob before quickly stifling it with a cough.

“The best things.”

For 18 years, Lindeman and Burton will be at the whims of baby Ford. After that, they’ll be able to sleep again — “But only if we have to!” claims Lindeman.

Until then, don’t bother turning off the light.

They’ll be up.

Local Man Goes “Full Method” to Prepare for New Baby

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With the imminent arrival of his first baby, T. Lindeman of Philadelphia prepared the way any new parent would: reading every baby book ever written.

But for Lindeman, it wasn’t What to Expect When You’re Expecting or Expecting Better gracing his bedside table.

“Oh, this one is great!” exclaimed Lindeman, holding up a tactile copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar. “Feel that weird crunchy stuff under the pages? What is that stuff? It’s amazing, I can’t stop touching it!” Lindeman also perused Moo, Baa, La La La!, Goodnight Moon, and Brown Bear, Brown Bear in his spare waking moments.

“But I don’t have a ton of time to read anymore, what with all the naps!”

Lindeman has been approaching this upcoming life-changing moment in a way doctors are calling “troubling” and his wife describes as “really pretty annoying.”

“I guess the biggest thing to talk about is the diapers,” said Lindeman’s wife, L. Burton. “He’s not just stocking up. He’s wearing them. Constantly.”

Not only that, but he also insists on cleaning and changing himself. “Which actually sounds helpful,” Burton added, “until you see the mess. It wouldn’t be so bad if the infant diapers actually fit him. And the diet certainly doesn’t help!”

Lindeman’s cabinets are lined with jars of mushy bananas and mushy peas. The fridge? Just milk. So much milk.

“If I don’t have my bottle every two hours,” said Lindeman, “I’m going to get fussy.”

“Usually he can burp himself, but sometimes he asks me,” Burton said. “I don’t mind getting to smack him on the back a few times, except when he spits up and says ‘That’s the wet burp we are looking for. Just like Uncle Stephen [Lindeman, Lindeman’s brother]!’”

Despite working her own job up to the point of delivery, Burton found herself taking on another full-time role: caring for the adult-sized infant living in her home.

“Bath time is tough,” she said. “He just gets so splashy. And if the soap gets in his eyes he won’t stop crying for hours.”

We caught up with Lindeman during tummy time, moments after he had finished a new bout of crying.

“Everything is getting so hard! There are these new gates at the top of the stairs, so I can’t throw myself down them. And the cabinets all have these locks on them so I can’t get to the knives. I can’t even open a jar of aspirin!”

Rolling over and over on the small mat before crawling over to his impending child’s toy chest, Lindeman’s behavior did little to dispel rumors that he had forgotten how to walk. Crawling from room to room, he let out occasional groans and grunts when he wanted something, a wordless language that Burton “unfortunately” picked up quite quickly. Even over the course of this interview, it seemed to be replacing his capacity for speech entirely.

As the day wore on, at one point Lindeman caught sight of his wife and immediately cued up his tears again until she put him to bed and sang him a few lullabies.

“It’s the same every time,” Burton clarified. “If he sees me, even if he’s fine, he’ll cry until I pick him up. It’s terrible for my back, and probably bad for the baby too, but it’s the only way to get him to settle down.”

Beneath his mobile of spinning animals, scratch-offs, and beers, Lindeman finally drifted off to sleep. But it was a peace short-lived. Moments later his cries rang out again—accompanied by the telltale smell of a freshly soiled diaper.

Husband Experiences Woes of a Sympathetic Pregnancy

On By TommyIn Current Articles, The Lindeman Daily1 Comment

“Tired a lot, nauseous, a ton of weird cravings….” listed off Philadelphia resident T. Lindeman. “Occasional mood swings and weird cramps.

“And that’s not even getting into what my wife is dealing with.”

When L. Burton announced to her husband that she was pregnant, Lindeman took it with all the enthusiasm and excitement in the world. Little did she know the immense impact it would have on his body and lifestyle.

“I can’t let him shop by himself,” explained Burton. “He’ll beeline to the ice cream aisle and start loading up the cart.” For any other man, this wouldn’t be an issue. However, Lindeman has what doctors are calling “a disgusting degree of lactose intolerance.”

“I normally don’t even like ice cream,” whined Lindeman. “It’s these damn pregnancy cravings!”

Lindeman is adamant that his body is experiencing a “sympathetic pregnancy,” which can be found in many tomes of medical literature next to the chapter on snake oil.

“It’s absolutely wild the effect this has on the human body,” said Lindeman. “I’ve definitely been feeling the mood swings, especially when driving. I’ve never experienced road rage before!”

Burton confirmed this behavior, but said it was nothing new. “[Lindeman] has always been the type to get emotional. He weeps during episodes of Love is Blind and Severance!” Lindeman chose not to respond to these allegations, except to say he was a “sucker for good television.”

But pregnancy isn’t all sappy TV, aggressive driving, and constant snacking. There are also downsides that Lindeman is acutely aware of.

“I don’t mind the sympathy cravings,” said Lindeman. “But it’s the physical toll—the sympathy morning sickness—that gets to me!”

Every morning like clockwork, sometime between 5AM and 10AM, Lindeman finds himself face-first in the toilet bowl. And no, he’s not having a morning slurp like a dog.

“Sick as a dog, more like!” Lindeman exclaimed. “All these new hormones rushing through my bod, there’s no wonder I keep vomming. But everyone says that’s just how it goes in the first trimester.” Unfortunately for Lindeman, he is already well into the second trimester.

“It’s not morning sickness,” said Burton, who by coincidence often joined Lindeman on the floor next to the toilet. “He’s just sick from drinking or eating too much the night before.”

When Lindeman heard this, he remarked “That’s her opinion. But doesn’t she feel better knowing that I’m going through all of this with her?”

“It doesn’t stop with the morning sickness,” furthered Burton. “He’s also producing what he calls ‘sympathy burps,’ and claiming the baby is giving him gastroparesis.

“I think he’s having too much seltzer water and ginger ale to, as he says, ‘settle his stomach from the pregnancy.’”

Without a doctor’s diagnosis, there’s no way to know for sure what’s causing it, claimed Lindeman. But Burton is a doctor, and she said it’s definitely the seltzer.

“Who knows?” shrugged Lindeman.

As the pregnancy stretches on, Lindeman has taken to having a “bit of a siesta” every day. From approximately 11AM to 6PM, Lindeman can be found curled up in bed, “catching flies with my honk shoes on, and maybe a couple of cartoon Zs coming out of my head.”

Is this affecting his job? Or his helping around the house? “Yes,” said both his bosses and his wife.

“The doctor said naps are vital to the growth of the baby!” Lindeman is heard to say as he curls up with a big fuzzy blanket.

In his endless pursuit to ensure the baby has the best possible future, Lindeman has also started sympathy nesting.

“Lauren [Burton] is getting a BBL,” said Lindeman, referencing what he calls the forthcoming Baby Boy Lindeman. “So we need to make sure there’s lots of cozy places for that thing to rest and be happy.”

Lindeman has helped paint furniture, given up his office for the nursery, and even brought in twigs, yarn, and shiny things before being told that’s not what “nesting” means.

Unfortunately for this publication, our interview with Lindeman led to a monologue.

“I don’t mean to make light of women’s experience with pregnancy,” said Lindeman as he made light of women’s experience, “but it is just as hard, if not harder, for men.

“Between the sickness, the crampings, the hormones, not to mention the sympathy incontinence we get after the birth, our bodies will never be the same. We are forced to give up our own bodily autonomy for the sake of our families—without any say in the matter! It’s my body, it should be my choice!”

“Who knew 40 seconds of passion would lead to nine months of discomfort?” responded Burton, referring to how uncomfortable Lindeman makes her with his new complaints and irritating behavior.

She isn’t the only one made uncomfortable by Lindeman, who left us with these final words:

“Ugh, I need to go. I think my milk is coming in.”