From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!
Originally published February 1, 2012
After several days of eye pain and increased sensitivity to light, T. Lindeman ’14, decided to take himself to the McCosh University Health Center.
“It was the first time I’ve been McCosh’d,” said Lindeman, using the students’ colloquial term for visiting the center. “But I really had to go, I could barely open my eyes. But don’t worry. It’ll be the last time I go there.”
The doctor quickly diagnosed his eyes as being sunburnt. Lindeman was familiar with this, having had the same thing happen two years prior.
“I have no idea how it happened. If possible I would never go outside anymore,” said Lindeman. “I mean, I do that one thing during sunrise everyday, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it.” Every morning as the sun comes up, Lindeman wakes up, goes outside, and looks east. Defiantly staring as the sun, he strokes his ego by telling himself that the sun, despite being so large, is too far away to cause any harm to him. Though in the past he has both sunburned his eyes and had skin cancer removed, he still holds the belief that he is impervious to the sun’s power.
“I told Mr. Lindeman that he was no longer allowed to wear his contacts,” said the doctor who treated him. “It wasn’t really necessary, but I always hold out hope that the patients’ spare glasses are ridiculous.”
And Lindeman has ridiculous glasses. The kind of ridiculous glasses that carry an air of superiority in their thick frames. Inevitably, Lindeman decided that this could only mean one thing.
“I had to become a hipster,” said Lindeman. “The glasses were a step in that direction, and if I didn’t continue running in that direction it would’ve been really embarrassing. Wearing those ridiculous frames without being hipster would be like wearing a chef’s hat around without being a chef. Or being a monkey without a banana. Completely absurd. Which is exactly how I would describe hipsters.”
A hipster, originally referring to a member of counterculture in the 1970s (A.K.A. a hippie), now refers to an individual who lives a lifestyle of pretentious snobbery. Hipsters prefer to keep themselves far from mainstream society and remain undefinable in every way possible, including attire, musical inclinations, and quirky habits. This has actually produced a sort of culture within the hipster counterculture, something the hipsters were originally against. This culture is actually definable in certain comformities of clothing, hair style, and behavior, which explains how Lindeman was able to easily establish his new identity.
Lindeman immediately set about completing his ensemble. “My clothing needs to mirror all of my cultural beliefs, while also letting people know I’m better than them. After conferring with my brother [J. Lindeman ’11], I decided I needed a pair of really tight jeans. So I borrowed some from the girl down the hall. They don’t reach my ankles, or even half-way down my shins, but they’ll do. And I can roll one of the legs up when I ride my bike. Which is a fixed-gear, by the way.”
That is not all that Lindeman did to complete his hipster look. “I told him to put on a pair of stylish boots,” said J. Lindeman. “When people see him in those, they’ll say, ‘Wow, those are quirky and fun. He looks strange in them, but they make him seem as if he thinks he’s above others and that their opinions are insignificant to him.’”
Passersby have commented on Lindeman’s boots as he walked around to various independent record stores and novelty shops in his college town: “Wow, those [boots] are quirky and fun. He looks strange in them, but they make him seem as if he thinks he’s above us and that our opinions are insignificant to him.”
Lindeman now has a poster of Che Guevara on his wall.
“Interestingly enough, my favorite haunt continues to be Starbucks,” said Lindeman. “It’s different now, though. Instead of feeling uncomfortable around the odd patrons, I spend hours there having conversations about the ostentatious ideals supported by the establishment and the negative pasteurization of mainstream media. And I’m not shunned because I’m with like-minded individuals.
“Luckily, I already have my Starbucks Gold Card.”
One hipster whom Lindeman has had numerous discussions with in Starbucks had this to say about Lindeman’s transformation: “Tommy is great, he really gets us and there’s no judgement. And he’s good at talking down about things, but then doing nothing about changing them. He just understands. And he really brings a lot to the table in terms of enlightening conversation. We’re always gushing over his new ideas.” These compliments only reinforce for Lindeman that he is doing a great job, much like rewarding a dog that evacuated its bowels on the carpet.
Not everything has been working out for Lindeman. “We don’t want to hang out with him anymore,” said one of Lindeman’s teammates from the rowing team. “He’s such a weirdo now. I mean, obviously he was weird before. But now it’s different, it’s not the ‘Oh, that little kid is eating his crayons, how cute’ type of weird, it’s the ‘That guy shaved his head and implanted horns into his skull’ type of weird. Weird. If he’s around, I pretend not to see him.”
Sometimes his friends don’t even have to pretend because they don’t recognize him at all. “It’s like a Clark Kent / Superman sort of thing,” said The Lindeman Daily‘s Linde-friend source. “People cannot perceive that this hipster nitwit could actually be [T. Lindeman] with glasses on. As soon as he removes them, they can recognize him. But then he puts the glasses back on, and they forget immediately that it was actually him. Like a secret identity.” Which makes sense in light of Lindeman’s past heroic deeds (See past articles: Lindeman Saves the Day, Super Sleuth at Princeton Elite Rowing Camp Finds Missing Camper, and Lindeman Beats Lindeman in Nerve-Racking Mobile Game).
“So is this news source eco-friendly?” asked Lindeman of The Lindeman Daily. When informed that this publication does not actually have any plans to support the environment, he responded, “That’s good. ‘Going green’ has become such a fad lately, it’s gotten too big. I’ve actually started an OCCUPY: Recycling protest. It’s pretty low-key right now, but hopefully it’ll catch on. Then I’ll have to abandon it, and maybe even protest it for becoming too mainstream. Even the whole ‘occupy’ thing has gotten a little too well-known.”
Under the pretense that this was off the record — though The Lindeman Daily is never off the record — Lindeman expressed his hopes that he wouldn’t have to keep his hipster life up for very long. “I really want my eyes to fix up,” said Lindeman. “My entire lifestyle has changed. For the better? Probably not. In fact, I’d say absolutely not. I haven’t been able to choose my college major for myself; since I’m a hipster I need to be an English major. I can’t eat whatever I want because apparently it’s wrong to do. Also, one day, I could really enjoy something, and then the next it could go mainstream and I would be forced to hate it. It’s tough, and totally unrewarding.”