From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!
Originally published June 27, 2011
At approximately 7:55 PM on Sunday June 26th, John C. joined up with his fellow campers in a game of capture the flag on Alexander Beach.
Counselors at the camp discovered John, camper number 10, was missing during the 7:30 PM roll- call in the courtyard of the Cuyler dorms. A quick check of the sign-out sheet showed that he had never officially checked out. When queried, his roommates said that they saw him exit his room, 402, earlier in the evening.
T. Lindeman, Princeton Class of 2014, went quickly to the room in question and banged on the door, blew his heavy-duty whistle, and generally made lots of noise outside the door. When no one answered, he went back outside where roll-call had just finished, and informed the other counselors that John was officially “Missing Level: Five.”
The camp, which runs from the 25th to the 29th, is the second of three elite rowing camps held at the University. During the first camp, the five counselors worked together to keep the unruly and promiscuous campers from taking part in any “hanky-panky.” Several boys were caught by T. Lindeman returning to their room a half an hour after lights-out at 10:30 PM, after visiting a room consisting of three girls. Once J. Lindeman informed the camp director of T. Lindeman’s story, the boys were threatened with expulsion from the camp and were no longer a problem.
“I feel like that catch was just preparing me for the missing camper problem this week,” said T. Lindeman. “I became much more observant, and began to think in different directions.”
T. Lindeman immediately set another counselor to work finding John’s cell phone number. It turns out that he did not give an area code. T. Lindeman deduced that his area code must be the same as some other campers’, specifically that of his schoolmates. It was known that there were other campers from John C.’s in attendance, so T. Lindeman cross-checked the area codes to come up with a number.
“I just thought that it would be a quick fix to the problem, and entire thing would have ended there and then,” said T. Lindeman. “I was wrong.”
Things became much more complicated when it was not John who answered the phone, but his mother. It turns out that he had put his home phone number down instead of his cell. T. Lindeman asked for John’s cell number and assured the parents everything was fine while another counselor called John. When John didn’t answer the phone, T. Lindeman raised the Missing Level to “Missing Level: Three.”
“Missing Level: Three” involves gathering the aid of a coach staying in the dorms. Since Coach Smith was already involved, it was obvious that the situation was rapidly deteriorating. The dreaded “Missing Level: One,” in which the counselors call CES, seemed to be a very real possibility. It is fortunate that the crisis did not rise to such a level because the counselors would have had some trouble calling CES. They did not know CES’ number, or even what the acronym stands for.
T. Lindeman then sent a counselor back into the dorms to look elsewhere. After she checked adjacent hallways and bathrooms, she returned outside where T. Lindeman understood she had no luck.
“I quietly looked around and called his name,” said the counselor “but he didn’t answer and I didn’t see him.”
Fifteen minutes had already elapsed since the roll-call. Thinking quickly, T. Lindeman knew that if another five minutes passed with no luck, the master key would have to be used, and John’s dorm room would have to be searched for clues. Not wanting things to have to come to that, Lindeman forced himself to go over the clues he had.
“I thought that the report from the witnesses, John’s roommates, might not be spot on,” said Lindeman. “These kids are unreliable and emotionally immature. Under more jovial circumstances, I would believe them. But things were getting tense.”
Lindeman’s next thought was of their search methods. Up until then, their tactics were relatively quiet. “I decided to change that,” he said.
Walking being the dorms to room 402’s back windows, Lindeman began blowing his whistle much more sharply into the open windows, and banging on the glass. After several minutes of this, with only moments to spare before he would have to declare “Missing Level: Two,” he thought he saw one window move slightly. Unable to see clearly due to the brightness outside, Lindeman shouted in, “John, come outside!” He raced to the fourth entryway just as John emerged, bleary-eyed and disoriented.
“I guess I fell asleep,” John later said. “These practices are pretty tough, and I didn’t really rest up before coming to the camp. I’m sorry I caused a problem, and happy they were able to fix things so quickly.” The entire ordeal lasted 20 minutes.
The other counselors were very happy with what T. Lindeman accomplished. “There’s a reason he was given the best review by the previous week’s campers,” said one counselor. “Even with my miniscule responsibilities in the search, I nearly caved under the pressure.”
“I was pretty overwhelmed, too,” said another counselor. “I had no idea these camps got no serious. Apparently it isn’t all sunshine, happiness, and bronzing.”
The head counselor also praised Lindeman’s efforts. “He really put all of us on his back. I can’t believe he wasn’t made head counselor.”
“I honestly had no idea what was going on,” said another counselor on the squad. “That might be a testament to Tommy [Lindeman]’s skill. Also, to my complete lack of skill, but probably more to his skill.”
For Lindeman, though, there is still more work to be done. “There are two and a half more days to get through. A lot of the campers seem like really solid kids, but we’ll still need to be vigilant, and we’ll still need to make sure the kids are safe, while making the camp as enjoyable as possible.”
John, though, is full of cheer and covered in smiles. “I’m really glad I got to take part in CTF,” he said following his rescue from certain doom. “I always have fun at the camp’s Mandatory Fun events!”