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Fighting Fire with Fire: Heat Wave Does Little to Solve GERD

Italy has been unseasonably hot during the second and third weeks of July this year, but it’s not just the temperature that’s causing people to sweat and moan as they make their way through the day.

“Haaaaaaagggghhhttt,” said Lindeman, who has already sweated through two tank-tops and a pair of color-changing swim trunks.

According to Lindeman, things were “heating up”. After a few days on the Amalfi coast, hoofing it up and down a mountain between the beach and his Airbnb, he was hurting. Panting his way through the congested, twisting footpaths that make up the main roads of Positano, Lindeman surmised that he needed to drink at least four Peronis at the beginning and end of each walk to replenish the fluids lost to the sun.

“Si, it’s certainly molto caldo,” said one local Positani resident. “But that [Linde]man perspired more than most!”

Lindeman has attempted to douse the flames on his flesh with swimming. “We’ve gone to the beach, taken a boat out, swam in some caves — underwater caves, overwater caves, lots of different caves. But that’s only solving half the problem.”

The heat wasn’t only coming from the outside, but the inside as well. The Lindeman Daily’s medical correspondent, L. Burton, MD, explained that a rapid influx of acidic foods, such as pastas, tomato-based sauces, and all the other delicious foods Italy is famous for, can exacerbate the symptoms of people suffering from GERD.

GERD is short for gastroesophageal reflux disease, a chronic disease in which stomach acid flows up into the esophagus. It can lead to a burning feeling in the chest and throat, stomach pain, bad breath, and vomiting.

“Not only is the burning vomit really painful,” said Dr. Burton, “but the burps are smelly too, and the groans are generally unpleasant.”

Each day, both Lindeman and Burton enjoyed the culinary delights of coastal Italy, and each night both were filled with the fires of Vesuvius.

“There was no escape,” said Lindeman. “You’d be roasting in the heat all day, going from grape-mode to raisin-mode. Then when you’d finally get home to rest in some air conditioning, the lava would flow from within, scorching you from the inside out.”

When asked why they didn’t simply avoid the sun, they both argued that they couldn’t resist taking in all Italy had to offer. And so, the allure of the pizzas, pastas, and vistas kept their fires burning day and night.

When asked for a final comment, both Lindeman and Burton gasped in unison with the sour breath of burning GERD, “Worth it.”

The Truth Comes Out: Romantic Holiday Just an Excuse to Play on Phone

On July 18, T. Lindeman’s reason for choosing Italy as the destination for his sabbatical from work (despite the country suffering from an unseasonal, climate change-driven heatwave) became crystal clear.

“I can’t believe this is why,” remarked his wife, L. Burton. “Sure, everything we’ve done has been wonderful: the boats, the cooking classes, the beaches, the food, the Tommy [Lindeman] in a bathing suit, everything.

“But to finally know his real reason for picking Italy… just… wow.”

“Wow” indeed. As it turns out, Lindeman’s entire trip, from the first five days in Positano touring Capri and Nerano, to the final two days in Naples, exploring the ruins of Pompeii and the vineyards on the slopes of Mt. Vesuvius, had all been a second fiddle excuse for one 20 minute experience on a hotel balcony in Naples.

“So what?” asked Lindeman. “I don’t see anything wrong with building a vacation out of one keystone moment. Lots of people go to Peru, don’t tell me there’s any other reason besides Machu Picchu that people even begin to consider a trip there. And London, is anyone really traveling there for anything other than the kebabs? Sure, the Eye is a close second, but it’s garnish to the kebab experience. This was a similar thing.”

According to several eyewitness accounts, that Napolitano hotel balcony was the site where Lindeman met up with a fellow Pokémon Go player to trade Pokémon.

“It’s not even like this is a novel experience for him,” said Burton. “He’s traded with several other friends in the past. I mean, even his younger brother [Lindeman] plays!”

“No, it isn’t really any different than that,” admitted Lindeman. “But there was an opportunity, so why not take it?”

The details of the trade itself are scarce, though juicy gossip abounds. Some unsubstantiated rumors say that the other party in the trade was a seven-year-old boy from Minnesota. And that Lindeman traded a “Best Buddy” status Hydreigon for a nothing-to-write-home-about Crabrawler. And that soon after their first and only trade, the parental controls on the boy’s mother’s phone locked him out of playing any more that day. But Lindeman is adamant: that is not what matters here.

“Sometimes it isn’t the details that make something great,” ventured Lindeman, holding up pinched fingers and adopting a far-off look. “It’s about the people and the experience… but yes, that kid made out like a thief.”

At the end of the day, though, Lindeman has no regrets. Even his wife remains cheery after learning the circumstances of their trip.

“If it makes him happy, I’m happy,” smiled Burton. “Happy husband, happy life, right? And I got to roast in the Italian heat, so it was a win for everyone.”

Lindeman Takes in Authentic Real Italian Experiences

Over the course of a week-long stay in Italy, Lindeman was on the hunt.

“We wanted to experience true, authentic Italy,” explained Lindeman. “My wife [The Lindeman Daily’s medical correspondant L. Burton] and I had both individually traveled to other parts of Italy in the past, but never felt like we truly scratched the surface of a Real Italian Experience™.”

The couple planned their trip ahead of time, booking reservations, tours, cooking classes, and boat rentals. But it wasn’t in any of the standard fare where they found what they had been craving all their lives.

“If we hadn’t felt the Real Italian Experience™ later on,“ said Burton, “I think I would have been happy with a simple cooking class and boat day.”

“But then we experienced the Real Italian Experience™, and now we know what we were missing,” added Lindeman. It is no single moment that makes a Real Italian Experience™, Lindeman explained, but an all-encompassing feeling of La Vera Italia that comes from a cumulative lived experience.

When local Italians were asked about this, not a single one knew what Lindeman had been talking about.

First, Lindeman and Burton strolled through cliff sides of Positano, exploring shops, bakeries, and pizzerias, before Lindeman decided to take the plunge.

“I was seeing shirts with lemons on them everywhere,” recounted Lindeman. “It must be an Amalfi Coast thing, but I loved it, and needed one.”

“[Lindeman] is notoriously hard to shop for,” explained Burton. “Not only because of his weird body shape, but he’s pretty picky too.”

But through perseverance, Lindeman succeeded. Unable to try anything on as his body was both soaked and caked in sweat, Lindeman took a gamble and sized up two sizes (“Because the Italians are teensy!”). Paying for two linen shirts, one covered in lemons and one in oranges, it wasn’t until he had returned to his room to shower and change that he noticed something was a little off.

“The shirt sleeves were too tight!” exclaimed Lindeman. “The length and size in the chest were both right but the sleeves were constricting my pythons. And I don’t have big pythons.”

Lindeman was later told by a local friend that this was the real Italian style. And he realized he was experiencing something beyond a typical adventure. Was Lindeman on his way to a Real Italian Experience™?

“Tight shirt sleeves? Real Italian Experience™.”

Lindeman and Burton next traveled to Naples, where they took a day trip out to Pompeii and a series of vineyards on the Vesuvius volcano.

“The sweltering heat was a real Pompeii experience,” remarked Burton, noting that the temperatures reached record highs during their visit. “But a real Pompeii experience is not a Real Italian Experience™.”

Lindeman kept eying the volcano with suspicion, refusing to take his eyes off it to make sure it didn’t blow; if it did, he would be the first to know and could book it out of there.

“The American was completely ignoring us,” recounted Teresa, their tour guide through the volcanic vineyards. “Even when we handed him his wine tastings, he never looked away from the volcano.”

After a few hours of this staring contest, Lindeman had an epiphany. Is this fear of a volcanic eruption at any moment, of being incinerated instantly, the experience he had been searching for?

“The ever-present danger of being cooked alive? Real Italian Experience™.”

Eventually, Lindeman and Burton escaped the slopes of Vesuvius unscathed, and returned to Naples for a birthday party.

“Some friends of ours were attending their father’s birthday at the yacht club in Naples,” explained Burton. “They very very graciously invited us to come along.”

The pair met at the yacht club, just barely arriving on time. They soon learned that this was not required, or even preferred.

“Apparently in Italy,” said Lindeman, “being on time is being early. And arriving hours late is arriving on time.”

Indeed, the birthday boy himself did not even show up until two hours into his own party, and guests continued to trickle in for hours beyond that.

“It was a wild time,” said Burton. “There was a lot of singing, gifts from the Pope, who the man of the hour seemed to know personally, and a seven course meal.”

It was a real Neapolitano experience, but as they knew from Pompeii, that does not mean it was a Real Italian Experience™.

“As authentic as it was, there was something missing,” reminisced Lindeman. But that “something missing” would soon be found.

Hours into the party, Lindeman and Burton were fading fast and sleep couldn’t come soon enough. While they tried to put on a brave face, the week of travel in the sun had drained every last bit of energy from them. A bit bashful, they had to excuse themselves and head home.

“They were only three courses into the seven course meal!” explained one partygoer. “It was only 11:30PM! There were hours and hours left in the night!”

They left before any other attendees, including a group of children all under 10 years old. But they swallowed their pride and missed out on what would be a memorable night for the ages.

“That’s ok by us. But the invitation, followed by the festivities, and then the shame of leaving early, that’s what we had been looking for the whole time,” said Lindeman. “And coupled with the shopping and the threatening volcano, our trip ultimately provided that authentic lived experience we had craved.

We truly had a Real Italian Experience™.”