From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!
Originally published July 18, 2011
Five weeks into his 2011 summer vacation, Tommy Lindeman, knew he had a problem. “Something was up,” he said in an interview over the phone, “but it took me a while to put my finger on it.” Despite being out of school since the beginning of June, he didn’t realize his issue until he saw his reflection on July 16th. “I’ve got a sunglass tan.”
The contrast between the tan skin and the lines is as stark as the differences between night and day. “It’s pretty bad,” said Stephen Lindeman. “It is actually ridiculous. I didn’t like leaving the house with [T. Lindeman] before, but now I actively avoid it.”
T. Lindeman works as a lifeguard on the Jersey shore, spending time on the beach from 9:30 AM to 5:30 PM. “It’s really optimum bronzing time,” said Lindeman, “but obviously that can backfire.” He explained that a veteran guard tried to tell him the lines were a sign of pride. “He told me that when people see the lines, they’ll understand we’re guards and we’ve earned the funny looking skin tones. He’s wrong, though. People just see them and laugh, pointing and whispering behind their hands.”
“I should have seen the signs,” said Lindeman. “People began giving me funny looks as I passed by at night. Kate [Baker] started calling me ‘Raccoon Eyes.’ Some guy even came up to me and said, ‘Hey, you’ve got a really bad sunglass tan.’ I really did not see this coming.”
Along with the crazy face tan, Lindeman also has a dark tan on the front of his legs, but the backs of his thighs are very pale. “I sit on a lifeguard stand all day, there’s no way to turn over onto my stomach. If I lean forward, I can get my back in the sun, but the backs of my legs haven’t seen the sky all summer. And it looks pathetic.”
Lindeman forwarded a picture of his face to interviewers midway through the phone call. “What do you mean it’s not tan?!” exclaimed Lindeman when the interviewers commented on the color. “It totally is! That can’t be a sunburn!” After studying a mirror, he retracted that statement.
“It’s definitely all burn. I look like I’m constantly embarrassed. And I’m not. Well, not constantly. Actually, on second thought, it’s pretty constant. Probably an all-the-time sort of thing. Maybe it’s not actually sunburn, maybe I’m just embarrassed. Nope, some skin just came off, definitely burnt.”
Sunburn is a constant threat on the beach. T. Lindeman uses sunscreen with an SPF of 70. “We all make fun of him,” said Jack Lindeman, a fellow lifeguard. “Everyone else uses SPF 30. He waltzes around with zinc on his nose like a complete dork. He looks like a loser.”
Sunglass tans, also known as “raccoon eyes,” have become a sign of shame. They are commonly viewed as being tangible examples of “softness,” and they showcase an inability to take heat from the sun. People who sport this unsavory fashion are frequently regarded with disdain.
For Lindeman, there does not seem to be an end in sight. At the end of the phone call he began to break down. “It’s just so bright. All the time.” Interviewers quickly hung up because “it was just too damn depressing.”