From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published August 1, 2011

On the morning of August 1, Tommy Lindeman, will be receiving a bone scan. The scan is a long process, beginning with the injection of radioactive dye into Lindeman’s system. Lindeman hopes that the addition of radioactive material to his system will result in the acquisition of supernatural abilities.

“Lots of great superheroes received their powers through radioactive materials,” said Lindeman on July 31. “Bruce Banner became The Hulk through gamma radiation, Matt Murdock became the Daredevil, the Fantastic Four were hit by cosmic radiation. Heck, even Alex Mack could turn into goo.”

The doctors’ ultimate goal for the bone scan is to take pictures of Lindeman’s skeleton and see if the dye has accumulated in any cracks or fissures in his bones. Lindeman’s ultimate goal is to become an immortal superhero. “I probably won’t fight crime or anything,” said Lindeman. “I’ll just live my life normally, keep my abilities secret, and use them whenever they could be advantageous.”

“Heat vision, flight, super strength, super speed, telekinesis, the ability to breathe underwater, regeneration, the Force,” said Lindeman, listing off just a few of the powers he’d like. “Shapeshifting, invisibility, those are cool, too. But I don’t want to talk to animals, that’s beneath me.”

Lindeman believes he could easily disguise his abilities if they are not too obvious. “I’m already pretty amazing now,” said Lindeman. “The powers would add to that, but to everyone else, they would just seem like a natural evolution. Also, I’m pretty easy to pick out of a crowd. It’d be too ridiculous to assume that the most visible person was hiding a secret identity.”

“I’m even open to the idea of having a drastic transformation of my body,” said Lindeman. “I’m not against becoming something totally unrecognizable, like The Lizard, The Thing, or Beast. I mean, sure, that’d be pretty inconvenient, but at least it’s something. Right?”

Lindeman must wait three hours between the radioactive dye injection and the actual scanning of his bones. He said that he’d probably spend the in-between time napping in his car.

“If the the mutation—in addition to giving me some sweet powers—happens to turn me insane,” said Lindeman, “that’s okay, too. Sure, I’ll go crazy and probably kill a bunch of people, yeah. But I’ll also have enough power to actually have the capacity to do something like that. Pretty awesome if you ask me. Not for the other people, though.”

Bone scans are a type of nuclear medicine that have been in use since the 1960s. Between then and now, there have been no cases of supernatural abilities being instilled in the patients of this procedure.

“Ultimately, I just want powers. Powers, and immortality. And a sidekick could be cool, after my adventures start getting stale. You know, to keep it fresh. So just powers, immortality, and a sidekick. That’s it. And maybe a kind of secret base or something.”

This will be Lindeman’s second bone scan. The first, though successful in diagnosing a broken rib, did not yield him any super powers.