From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!
Originally published August 29, 2011
In the late hours of Friday, August 26th, Jack Lindeman boarded the plane that would take him from the United States to Great Britain. He plans on studying at Cambridge for the next two years, returning only for occasional breaks.
“We all originally thought he was going over [to England] for something useful,” said Lindeman’s brother Stephen. “It turns out, he’s not a spy. Not even a little bit. And he says he doesn’t plan on doing any sort of sabotage. We’re all really disappointed in him.”
Lindeman, a graduate of Princeton University Class of 2011, was accepted into the University of Cambridge several months ago. Rather than joining the workforce and helping to revitalize his home country’s economy, he opted instead to continue his education.
“I just don’t know what we did wrong,” said his mother Joan. “I thought we raised him right, neither of his brothers seem like they want to betray their country like this.” Her sentiments were echoed by both the President of the United States, and the general American public.
While many people immediately think the worst of Lindeman, some believe he might actually have ulterior motives. “Just look at the way their government is run,” said an ignorant family acquaintance who requested to remain anonymous. “There’s a monarchy in place, and if you know anything about current events, there’s only a queen on the throne, no king. I think he’s planning to make moves on that Elizabeth II, to become the king. And I really don’t blame him, she’s quite the looker.” Lindeman denied any sort of plans to pursue a romance with the Queen.
“It’s upsetting that he’s joined the redcoats,” said Kate Baker, Princeton Class of 2012. “I thought he was better than that, but it turns out he likes to fraternize with losers. And they’re obviously losers. America won, we beat them. And they basically begged for our help in World War Two, they couldn’t handle Hitler on their own. I guess losers are drawn to other losers.”
Lindeman must harbor a large amount of hatred for America—and all of the Americans he knows —if he is willing to trade in steak and eggs for fish and chips. “I feel like he utterly despises all of us,” said Baker. “And I think I speak for everyone when I say, ‘good riddance.’”