From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!
Originally published October 5, 2011
“I’m the guy that makes the waves in the ocean,” said Tommy Lindeman, Princeton Class of 2014, to a small boy on the beach this past summer. “I’m actually making the water really rough right now so that your mom doesn’t let you go in.”
After years of telling the truth and being kind to kids, Lindeman has decided to make a complete 180°. Prompted by what he calls the “naivete of children,” he will begin telling them things that are completely false, but sound like they could be true.
“Hopefully they fall for it, and in the future they’ll get embarrassed by their incorrect knowledge,” remarked Lindeman. “That’s my one goal, to make these kids feel bad about themselves.”
There is a distinction to be made, according to Lindeman. “These lies aren’t little white lies, like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, or all dogs go to heaven. I want these kids to have no doubt that what I say is true, because these things could possibly make sense. They come from a sort of false intuitive reason.”
Lindeman put a lot of thought into each of his lies. “Right now, I think I’ve got a couple great ones in the tank, ready to go. One is, when you breathe out into cold air, the foggy air that comes out of your mouth is actually the tail of your soul. Your soul looks like a ghost that was rammed down your throat, and when it gets cold, it gets smaller and the tail slips out. Why do moms and dads kiss? Because they’re sharing their souls. And why do you give people CPR? Because you’re giving them part of your soul to bring them back to life. It just makes sense, at least to the little idiots.”
Children weren’t always terrible things to Lindeman, but months of sitting on the beach with kids pestering him with inane and unintelligent questions have soured them for him. He no longer enjoys seeing their smiling faces, nor does he find anything they do to be cute or endearing. Ultimately, this new choice of life will, he believes, be his counter to every horrible moment that he has ever had to spend around them.
But this new lifestyle doesn’t come without it’s own problems. Lindeman was chastised by the mother of the small boy whom he convinced he controlled the waves. “She just went off on me,” said Lindeman, “screaming about how I wasn’t allowed to lie to her son. Maybe if she watched her kid and didn’t let him come up and bother me for so long, it wouldn’t have happened. But it did, and I’m happy about it.”
Lindeman has recently readied another good “false fact” to begin telling children. “Chicken noodle soup’s noodles are actually the brains of chickens. Think about it, ‘using your noodle’ refers to using your brain, and brains actually look like layers of noodles. I’ll ask the kids if they ever played that Halloween game where they get blindfolded and put their hands in spaghetti while their friends or parents told them it was brains. So brains are noodles, and chicken noodle soup is actually chicken brain soup.”
Beyond the basic thrill of misleading children, Lindeman also thinks that he is benefiting them. “I believe in the end, I’m actually helping these kids. The world is cold and unforgiving. The sooner they learn that nothing can be accepted as true and that most people in the world are awful, the sooner they can grow up. Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t care about that crap at all; I just want to lie to kids.”