From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published October 15, 2011

A small karaoke club in New York City unknowingly housed a vocal performance that it will undoubtedly be able to brag about in the future. On September 24, 2011, a semiformal for the sorority Kappa Kappa Gamma of Princeton University brought Tommy Lindeman ’14 into the club.

“We had no idea that something like this would happen,” said the manager of the club. “We thought it would just be another Saturday night with drunk college kids playing dress-up and honking like asthmatic donkeys into the microphones.”

They were wrong.

Lindeman, accompanying his date from the sorority, was a spectacle to behold. Translating various popular hits from the 90s and 00s into the pitch of his very limited vocal range, he was able to mold the songs into creations wholly unique, and wholly breathtaking.

“I didn’t know he had it in him,” said Charlie Kelly ’14, a friend of Lindeman’s that was also in attendance. “I mean, we’ve sang together before, but that was mostly just ‘Fidelity’ by Regina Spektor. Actually, I shouldn’t be that surprised. He really nailed that song.”

Working his way through various hits including songs from the catalogs of N*Sync, Backstreet Boys, and both old and new Britney Spears, Lindeman brought an energy to the semiformal that would have otherwise been severely lacking and sorely missed. Crowd favorites included Miley Cyrus’ ‘See You Again,’ Taylor Swift’s ‘Love Story,’ and Carrie Underwood’s ‘Before He Cheats.’

Mike Protesto ’12, another one of Lindeman’s friends, was also in attendance. “I’ve never thought anyone could rival Taylor Swift in singing her songs, but after that night, I think we’ve got a contender. He’s just able to infuse so much emotion into the lyrics while simultaneously keeping himself from actually getting emotionally invested in what he is singing. It was quite a humbling thing to experience.”

Part of the quality of his spirited performance could have been the result of the bus ride on the way to the karaoke club. “We were on the bus for a while,” said a Kappa Kappa Gamma attendee. “First we did our Kappa chants, but then the music started and everyone started singing along. Tommy sang along beautifully, and I guess all of those 80’s songs were just the perfect warmup.”

However, the whole night was not as magical as these glowing reviews make it out to be. “Ten minutes after [Lindeman] walked in the door, he was getting yelled at by the bouncer,” said Protesto. “Something about wrist-band etiquette, I don’t know, I didn’t catch that part. But things were getting really tense.”

According to Kelly, “[Lindeman] looked down at the guy and said quietly, ‘Do you know who I am?’ The guy said no, so Tommy started singing ‘I Believe I Can Fly,’ and the bouncer just shut his mouth. It seemed to be a very humbling experience for the man.”

After several hours of simultaneously raising the roof and bringing down the house, it was time to leave. “We were very sorry that Lindeman had to go so soon,” said the manager. “And also for all of that business with the bouncer, that was very unfortunate. We’d love to have him back anytime.”

Tragically, there is no audio documentation of Lindeman’s performance. “I took a bunch of pictures,” said Lindeman’s date, “they really don’t do his melodious pipes any justice, but he did look very sharp in that light grey suit.”

When prompted for his input, Lindeman merely said that he hopes word of that night reaches some record labels, and maybe he could swindle a record deal out of it. Explaining that it would be sad if nobody (including himself) capitalized off of such a lucrative business opportunity, he said he believed a call would come in any day. “I may have to start off pretty small,” said Lindeman. “You know, just some guest spots on songs by Justin Beiber, Rihanna, Eminem, etc. But from there I could debut a single or two, then a full album. It should all happen very soon, so keep an eye out for my name. It’ll be at the top of the charts.”