From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!
Originally published December 30, 2011
On Wednesday, December 14, Tommy Lindeman ’14 finished up a lab report for one of his classes. The lab required him to grow a fluorescent bacteria, Vibrio harveyi, and find any mutations in it. Not being a very good student, Lindeman did not catch a very dangerous mutation present in the bacteria on his four plates. And instead of returning them to the lab, he threw them away.
“Yeah, I just kind of threw [the plates] in the paper recycle bin,” said Lindeman. “Sometime earlier in the year, the janitor yelled at me for putting regular trash in my recycle can, so I make an effort to always put non-recyclable garbage in the recycle bins. And vice-versa, I guess. But that’s just because I have this aversion to making any sort of effort to help the environment.”
The Campbell dormitory janitor was none too pleased to find the plates. “That […] kid’s got his gunk all over the bin!” said the Campbell dorm janitor. “I feel like he needs a good smackin’ or somethin’. He doesn’t listen to authority too good.”
Lindeman’s total disregard for the environment was made evident to everyone else through his wanton disposal of bacteria. Little did he know, his actions would have widespread repercussions.
“Once we counted the lab plates that the students turned in, we realized one student did not dispose of his or her four plates in the designated bin,” said one molecular biology professor. “The proper protocol is to inform Public Safety and the President of the University, which, despite the bacteria being harmless, we did. I’m not sure they really understood, though.”
The University and Public Safety immediately set about cleaning up Lindeman’s mess. “Between the President and our own director,” explained a spokesman for Public Safety, “a plan was made to get all of our faculty and students out of harm’s way. We created a three week break beginning December 16th and ending January 8th to clean up the infected areas and make sure everybody is safe. We’re calling it Winter Break, but I don’t think we’re fooling anyone. Who in their right mind would put three weeks between the last day of classes and the start of exams? It’s preposterous.”
The V. harveyi bacteria is actually harmless. It is found in a variety of marine creatures and free-floating forms in the ocean, giving off luminescence. The mutations present on the four plates only affect the glowing of the bacteria.
“There’s really no danger,” said the professor of molecular biology. “The only thing I can think of is the incredibly offensive odor. It really smells terrible.”
Lindeman’s roommate can vouch for that: “I didn’t like those plates in the room. It smelled like some animal died in there. But before it died, it puked and [evacuated its bowels] everywhere. Then died. That’s the smell.”
Despite the University’s ignorance concerning the lack of danger, some students are praising the final decision. “I’m really excited to take these next few weeks off,” said Mike Protesto ’12. “I’m going to make sure I get a lot of down time. Crush some naps. Relax hard. I hear some people aren’t very happy with the time off, but I say that any student against this break is a super nerd.”
The University plans on bringing in a hazmat team to clean up Lindeman’s plates and trash bin. The professors continue to insist that there is actually no trouble, but university officials and Public Safety are ignoring them because they are not as famous as other professors on campus, such as Brian Kernighan, Paul Krugman, Cornel West, and Peter Singer.
“We were expecting something along the lines an Attack of the Blob-type scenario,” said the University’s spokesman. “Luckily we’ll be shutting it down before that comes about. The scientists refuse to back up our ideas with substantial evidence, claiming we are 100% incorrect, but we don’t really value the opinions of molecular biologists. Anyway, they’ll thank us later.”
Once told that he did not catch any of the minor mutations in the bacteria experiment, Lindeman replied, “Wow, really? I had no idea. I guess I’m not going to get a good grade. Oh, well, I’m Pass-D-F-ing. But you’re welcome, everyone, for winter break.”