From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published June 27, 2011

At approximately 7:55 PM on Sunday June 26th, John C. joined up with his fellow campers in a game of capture the flag on Alexander Beach.

Counselors at the camp discovered John, camper number 10, was missing during the 7:30 PM roll- call in the courtyard of the Cuyler dorms. A quick check of the sign-out sheet showed that he had never officially checked out. When queried, his roommates said that they saw him exit his room, 402, earlier in the evening.

T. Lindeman, Princeton Class of 2014, went quickly to the room in question and banged on the door, blew his heavy-duty whistle, and generally made lots of noise outside the door. When no one answered, he went back outside where roll-call had just finished, and informed the other counselors that John was officially “Missing Level: Five.”

The camp, which runs from the 25th to the 29th, is the second of three elite rowing camps held at the University. During the first camp, the five counselors worked together to keep the unruly and promiscuous campers from taking part in any “hanky-panky.” Several boys were caught by T. Lindeman returning to their room a half an hour after lights-out at 10:30 PM, after visiting a room consisting of three girls. Once J. Lindeman informed the camp director of T. Lindeman’s story, the boys were threatened with expulsion from the camp and were no longer a problem.

“I feel like that catch was just preparing me for the missing camper problem this week,” said T. Lindeman. “I became much more observant, and began to think in different directions.”

T. Lindeman immediately set another counselor to work finding John’s cell phone number. It turns out that he did not give an area code. T. Lindeman deduced that his area code must be the same as some other campers’, specifically that of his schoolmates. It was known that there were other campers from John C.’s in attendance, so T. Lindeman cross-checked the area codes to come up with a number.

“I just thought that it would be a quick fix to the problem, and entire thing would have ended there and then,” said T. Lindeman. “I was wrong.”

Things became much more complicated when it was not John who answered the phone, but his mother. It turns out that he had put his home phone number down instead of his cell. T. Lindeman asked for John’s cell number and assured the parents everything was fine while another counselor called John. When John didn’t answer the phone, T. Lindeman raised the Missing Level to “Missing Level: Three.”

“Missing Level: Three” involves gathering the aid of a coach staying in the dorms. Since Coach Smith was already involved, it was obvious that the situation was rapidly deteriorating. The dreaded “Missing Level: One,” in which the counselors call CES, seemed to be a very real possibility. It is fortunate that the crisis did not rise to such a level because the counselors would have had some trouble calling CES. They did not know CES’ number, or even what the acronym stands for.

T. Lindeman then sent a counselor back into the dorms to look elsewhere. After she checked adjacent hallways and bathrooms, she returned outside where T. Lindeman understood she had no luck.

“I quietly looked around and called his name,” said the counselor “but he didn’t answer and I didn’t see him.”

Fifteen minutes had already elapsed since the roll-call. Thinking quickly, T. Lindeman knew that if another five minutes passed with no luck, the master key would have to be used, and John’s dorm room would have to be searched for clues. Not wanting things to have to come to that, Lindeman forced himself to go over the clues he had.

“I thought that the report from the witnesses, John’s roommates, might not be spot on,” said Lindeman. “These kids are unreliable and emotionally immature. Under more jovial circumstances, I would believe them. But things were getting tense.”

Lindeman’s next thought was of their search methods. Up until then, their tactics were relatively quiet. “I decided to change that,” he said.

Walking being the dorms to room 402’s back windows, Lindeman began blowing his whistle much more sharply into the open windows, and banging on the glass. After several minutes of this, with only moments to spare before he would have to declare “Missing Level: Two,” he thought he saw one window move slightly. Unable to see clearly due to the brightness outside, Lindeman shouted in, “John, come outside!” He raced to the fourth entryway just as John emerged, bleary-eyed and disoriented.

“I guess I fell asleep,” John later said. “These practices are pretty tough, and I didn’t really rest up before coming to the camp. I’m sorry I caused a problem, and happy they were able to fix things so quickly.” The entire ordeal lasted 20 minutes.

The other counselors were very happy with what T. Lindeman accomplished. “There’s a reason he was given the best review by the previous week’s campers,” said one counselor. “Even with my miniscule responsibilities in the search, I nearly caved under the pressure.”

“I was pretty overwhelmed, too,” said another counselor. “I had no idea these camps got no serious. Apparently it isn’t all sunshine, happiness, and bronzing.”

The head counselor also praised Lindeman’s efforts. “He really put all of us on his back. I can’t believe he wasn’t made head counselor.”

“I honestly had no idea what was going on,” said another counselor on the squad. “That might be a testament to Tommy [Lindeman]’s skill. Also, to my complete lack of skill, but probably more to his skill.”

For Lindeman, though, there is still more work to be done. “There are two and a half more days to get through. A lot of the campers seem like really solid kids, but we’ll still need to be vigilant, and we’ll still need to make sure the kids are safe, while making the camp as enjoyable as possible.”

John, though, is full of cheer and covered in smiles. “I’m really glad I got to take part in CTF,” he said following his rescue from certain doom. “I always have fun at the camp’s Mandatory Fun events!”

From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published May 13, 2011

This weekend the Princeton men’s crew teams will travel to Worcester, MA for the annual Eastern Sprints Championships. Participants from the Eastern Association of Rowing Colleges (EARC) gather every year to compete in the 65 year old event. Tommy Lindeman ’14 will accompany the teams to watch the races from the sidelines.

“It’s not ideal,” said Lindeman, currently sidelined because of a broken rib. “But I guess it’s just as good as actually racing.”

Lindeman has spectated at races since he was thirteen years old. “My brother [Jack Lindeman ’11] got into rowing in high school, and I was always dragged by my parents to his races. They were pretty boring, but the food was good.” Those high school races, which he watched for the next three years without ever participating in, were 1500 meters in length. Official college races, and even a few high school races, are 2000 meters.

“My first few years were a good introduction,” said Lindeman. “But these extra 500 meters are different. This is a whole different ball game. I’ll miss at least part of the race, no matter where I stand.” Due to the inconvenient scheduling of his high school races, Lindeman was only able to see one or two of his brother’s college events. He considers his first true experience to be one at the beginning of this season, during a scrimmage with Georgetown and Syracuse.

“It was a big shock,” Lindeman said of watching the scrimmage. “And then they went back out later that day for a few more shorter [race] pieces. Talk about ripping off the band-aid.” But it was good practice for this weekend, which features back to back races all day in the 1V, 2V, 3V, and 1F categories. “Eight races in a day sounds like a lot, but that’s because it is,” said Lindeman. “Maybe I’ll catch them all, who knows?”

Lindeman confessed he does not actually enjoy watching races. “I’ve been to Sprints once before,” said Lindeman. “It was during Jack’s sophomore year. I’m not sure how he did. I don’t think I even watched the race. Rowing races are 95% boring, 5% exciting.”

For Lindeman, the main draws are the food tent and the chance be to out in the sun. “I’m really hoping the sun’s out strong this weekend. I want to catch some rays, get a nice tan going.” He was also enthusiastic about the chance to “cram his face with food” and the prospect of “strutting around, macking on all the biddies.”

In between big sandwiches and steamy make-out sessions, Lindeman fully expects to watch at least a couple of the races. “I know it sounds like I’m more interested in the food and babes,” he said. “Well maybe I am, but I also really want my teammates to win. If my cheers, mixed in with the screaming of all the other spectators, can get them over the finish line faster, then I’ll cheer.” Lindeman later clarified, saying he has no proof, or even faith, that cheers make boats faster.

Lindeman will be joined on the sidelines by countless parents, coaches, and with any luck, some hot chicks. Racing begins Sunday morning.

“It should be fun; I hope it doesn’t rain,” said Lindeman. “Oh, and the boats too. I hope they do well.”

From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published April 16, 2011

After three days of intense braining and not-so-subtle wordplay, Tommy Lindeman finished ahead of Jack Lindeman in tough game of Words with Friends, Thursday morning at Princeton University.

Lindeman (1-1) started the game off with “hoised,” a word of dubious authenticity. Lindeman (1-1) quickly followed up with “eatings,” the long word gobbling up several bonus squares. Thus began, on April 11, at 12:21 PM, the second battle of their dramatic verbal war.

“I was pretty surprised with my efforts,” said T. Lindeman, Class of 2014, who is currently procrastinating. “I jumped out to an early lead, and just led from there. After [J. Lindeman’s] performance in the first game, I didn’t expect him to start out so slowly.”

The Lindeman-Lindeman rivalry can be traced all the way back to the first match, beginning Saturday, April 9 at 1:05 PM on a bus on their way back from a crew race in Philadelphia. A competition filled with high-point nouns, such as “vendetta,” “valor,” “rinks,” and “bench,” the final move was played by J. Lindeman, Class of 2011, the ten-point “beta” moving his score from 308 to 318. T. Lindeman’s score of 318 was pushed back to 317, the single “i” left in his hand subtracted from his score. J. Lindeman’s final word stung, and following the match, T. Lindeman had an identity crisis. He ultimately changed his username from “BigSavagePenis696969” to “tommylindeman.”

“That match was really close,” J. Lindeman said during an interview this morning. “I came into it not knowing what to expect from him. He’d been playing really hard for a week before I even downloaded, but he had only been playing scrubs. I had no idea how he would play against me.”

T. Lindeman would not comment on the first game.

The second match was not as much fun for J. Lindeman. In a message sent to T. Lindeman during the game, he said “BTW, I have only gotten the worst tiles every single time… it’s not even funny. I have letters you can’t even use with letters ever. I have four of the same letter. It’s the worst.”

Not only lacking in good characters, he sometimes lacked in good character. At one point during the first match, he sent an instant message to T. Lindeman, simply stating “You smell.” Despite this “badittude,” J. Lindeman was still a formidable opponent, and T. Lindeman felt nothing but respect for his rival. “I really felt like I was on my heels most of the [second] game. I may have been ahead for a lot of it, but he was still within striking distance. He could have caught up with one big word at any time.”

Again, the match came down to the last few words. Down by 25 points with 347-372 (close since a single word can often reach above 50 points), J. Lindeman made his last move, spelling out “coy”. Despite having the four point “c” on a triple-letter-score square, it was not enough, only pulling in 16 points. Since T. Lindeman again had a single tile left, his score was pulled down a point, setting the final at 363-371.

“It was tough, but I pulled through,” said T. Lindeman. When asked if he had any advice for the kids out there who wanted to “have it all” and “make it big” with Words with Friends, he responded “No.”

The intense rivalry continues with two matches occurring simultaneously. They are expected to finish within the next couple of days.

Tommy Lindeman is a freshman at Princeton University. This is his first article.