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From the Archives: Lindeman Burns Eyeballs, Forced to Become Hipster

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From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published February 1, 2012

After several days of eye pain and increased sensitivity to light, T. Lindeman ’14, decided to take himself to the McCosh University Health Center.

“It was the first time I’ve been McCosh’d,” said Lindeman, using the students’ colloquial term for visiting the center. “But I really had to go, I could barely open my eyes. But don’t worry. It’ll be the last time I go there.”

The doctor quickly diagnosed his eyes as being sunburnt. Lindeman was familiar with this, having had the same thing happen two years prior.

“I have no idea how it happened. If possible I would never go outside anymore,” said Lindeman. “I mean, I do that one thing during sunrise everyday, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it.” Every morning as the sun comes up, Lindeman wakes up, goes outside, and looks east. Defiantly staring as the sun, he strokes his ego by telling himself that the sun, despite being so large, is too far away to cause any harm to him. Though in the past he has both sunburned his eyes and had skin cancer removed, he still holds the belief that he is impervious to the sun’s power.

“I told Mr. Lindeman that he was no longer allowed to wear his contacts,” said the doctor who treated him. “It wasn’t really necessary, but I always hold out hope that the patients’ spare glasses are ridiculous.”

And Lindeman has ridiculous glasses. The kind of ridiculous glasses that carry an air of superiority in their thick frames. Inevitably, Lindeman decided that this could only mean one thing.

“I had to become a hipster,” said Lindeman. “The glasses were a step in that direction, and if I didn’t continue running in that direction it would’ve been really embarrassing. Wearing those ridiculous frames without being hipster would be like wearing a chef’s hat around without being a chef. Or being a monkey without a banana. Completely absurd. Which is exactly how I would describe hipsters.”

A hipster, originally referring to a member of counterculture in the 1970s (A.K.A. a hippie), now refers to an individual who lives a lifestyle of pretentious snobbery. Hipsters prefer to keep themselves far from mainstream society and remain undefinable in every way possible, including attire, musical inclinations, and quirky habits. This has actually produced a sort of culture within the hipster counterculture, something the hipsters were originally against. This culture is actually definable in certain comformities of clothing, hair style, and behavior, which explains how Lindeman was able to easily establish his new identity.

Lindeman immediately set about completing his ensemble. “My clothing needs to mirror all of my cultural beliefs, while also letting people know I’m better than them. After conferring with my brother [J. Lindeman ’11], I decided I needed a pair of really tight jeans. So I borrowed some from the girl down the hall. They don’t reach my ankles, or even half-way down my shins, but they’ll do. And I can roll one of the legs up when I ride my bike. Which is a fixed-gear, by the way.”

That is not all that Lindeman did to complete his hipster look. “I told him to put on a pair of stylish boots,” said J. Lindeman. “When people see him in those, they’ll say, ‘Wow, those are quirky and fun. He looks strange in them, but they make him seem as if he thinks he’s above others and that their opinions are insignificant to him.’”

Passersby have commented on Lindeman’s boots as he walked around to various independent record stores and novelty shops in his college town: “Wow, those [boots] are quirky and fun. He looks strange in them, but they make him seem as if he thinks he’s above us and that our opinions are insignificant to him.”

Lindeman now has a poster of Che Guevara on his wall.

“Interestingly enough, my favorite haunt continues to be Starbucks,” said Lindeman. “It’s different now, though. Instead of feeling uncomfortable around the odd patrons, I spend hours there having conversations about the ostentatious ideals supported by the establishment and the negative pasteurization of mainstream media. And I’m not shunned because I’m with like-minded individuals.

“Luckily, I already have my Starbucks Gold Card.”

One hipster whom Lindeman has had numerous discussions with in Starbucks had this to say about Lindeman’s transformation: “Tommy is great, he really gets us and there’s no judgement. And he’s good at talking down about things, but then doing nothing about changing them. He just understands. And he really brings a lot to the table in terms of enlightening conversation. We’re always gushing over his new ideas.” These compliments only reinforce for Lindeman that he is doing a great job, much like rewarding a dog that evacuated its bowels on the carpet.

Not everything has been working out for Lindeman. “We don’t want to hang out with him anymore,” said one of Lindeman’s teammates from the rowing team. “He’s such a weirdo now. I mean, obviously he was weird before. But now it’s different, it’s not the ‘Oh, that little kid is eating his crayons, how cute’ type of weird, it’s the ‘That guy shaved his head and implanted horns into his skull’ type of weird. Weird. If he’s around, I pretend not to see him.”

Sometimes his friends don’t even have to pretend because they don’t recognize him at all. “It’s like a Clark Kent / Superman sort of thing,” said The Lindeman Daily‘s Linde-friend source. “People cannot perceive that this hipster nitwit could actually be [T. Lindeman] with glasses on. As soon as he removes them, they can recognize him. But then he puts the glasses back on, and they forget immediately that it was actually him. Like a secret identity.” Which makes sense in light of Lindeman’s past heroic deeds (See past articles: Lindeman Saves the Day, Super Sleuth at Princeton Elite Rowing Camp Finds Missing Camper, and Lindeman Beats Lindeman in Nerve-Racking Mobile Game).

“So is this news source eco-friendly?” asked Lindeman of The Lindeman Daily. When informed that this publication does not actually have any plans to support the environment, he responded, “That’s good. ‘Going green’ has become such a fad lately, it’s gotten too big. I’ve actually started an OCCUPY: Recycling protest. It’s pretty low-key right now, but hopefully it’ll catch on. Then I’ll have to abandon it, and maybe even protest it for becoming too mainstream. Even the whole ‘occupy’ thing has gotten a little too well-known.”

Under the pretense that this was off the record — though The Lindeman Daily is never off the record — Lindeman expressed his hopes that he wouldn’t have to keep his hipster life up for very long. “I really want my eyes to fix up,” said Lindeman. “My entire lifestyle has changed. For the better? Probably not. In fact, I’d say absolutely not. I haven’t been able to choose my college major for myself; since I’m a hipster I need to be an English major. I can’t eat whatever I want because apparently it’s wrong to do. Also, one day, I could really enjoy something, and then the next it could go mainstream and I would be forced to hate it. It’s tough, and totally unrewarding.”

From the Archives: Lindeman Throws Biohazard in the Trash

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From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published December 30, 2011

On Wednesday, December 14, Tommy Lindeman ’14 finished up a lab report for one of his classes. The lab required him to grow a fluorescent bacteria, Vibrio harveyi, and find any mutations in it. Not being a very good student, Lindeman did not catch a very dangerous mutation present in the bacteria on his four plates. And instead of returning them to the lab, he threw them away.

“Yeah, I just kind of threw [the plates] in the paper recycle bin,” said Lindeman. “Sometime earlier in the year, the janitor yelled at me for putting regular trash in my recycle can, so I make an effort to always put non-recyclable garbage in the recycle bins. And vice-versa, I guess. But that’s just because I have this aversion to making any sort of effort to help the environment.”

The Campbell dormitory janitor was none too pleased to find the plates. “That […] kid’s got his gunk all over the bin!” said the Campbell dorm janitor. “I feel like he needs a good smackin’ or somethin’. He doesn’t listen to authority too good.”

Lindeman’s total disregard for the environment was made evident to everyone else through his wanton disposal of bacteria. Little did he know, his actions would have widespread repercussions.

“Once we counted the lab plates that the students turned in, we realized one student did not dispose of his or her four plates in the designated bin,” said one molecular biology professor. “The proper protocol is to inform Public Safety and the President of the University, which, despite the bacteria being harmless, we did. I’m not sure they really understood, though.”

The University and Public Safety immediately set about cleaning up Lindeman’s mess. “Between the President and our own director,” explained a spokesman for Public Safety, “a plan was made to get all of our faculty and students out of harm’s way. We created a three week break beginning December 16th and ending January 8th to clean up the infected areas and make sure everybody is safe. We’re calling it Winter Break, but I don’t think we’re fooling anyone. Who in their right mind would put three weeks between the last day of classes and the start of exams? It’s preposterous.”

The V. harveyi bacteria is actually harmless. It is found in a variety of marine creatures and free-floating forms in the ocean, giving off luminescence. The mutations present on the four plates only affect the glowing of the bacteria.

“There’s really no danger,” said the professor of molecular biology. “The only thing I can think of is the incredibly offensive odor. It really smells terrible.”

Lindeman’s roommate can vouch for that: “I didn’t like those plates in the room. It smelled like some animal died in there. But before it died, it puked and [evacuated its bowels] everywhere. Then died. That’s the smell.”

Despite the University’s ignorance concerning the lack of danger, some students are praising the final decision. “I’m really excited to take these next few weeks off,” said Mike Protesto ’12. “I’m going to make sure I get a lot of down time. Crush some naps. Relax hard. I hear some people aren’t very happy with the time off, but I say that any student against this break is a super nerd.”

The University plans on bringing in a hazmat team to clean up Lindeman’s plates and trash bin. The professors continue to insist that there is actually no trouble, but university officials and Public Safety are ignoring them because they are not as famous as other professors on campus, such as Brian Kernighan, Paul Krugman, Cornel West, and Peter Singer.

“We were expecting something along the lines an Attack of the Blob-type scenario,” said the University’s spokesman. “Luckily we’ll be shutting it down before that comes about. The scientists refuse to back up our ideas with substantial evidence, claiming we are 100% incorrect, but we don’t really value the opinions of molecular biologists. Anyway, they’ll thank us later.”

Once told that he did not catch any of the minor mutations in the bacteria experiment, Lindeman replied, “Wow, really? I had no idea. I guess I’m not going to get a good grade. Oh, well, I’m Pass-D-F-ing. But you’re welcome, everyone, for winter break.”

From the Archives: After Productive Night of Karaoke, Lindeman Expects Record Deal

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From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published October 15, 2011

A small karaoke club in New York City unknowingly housed a vocal performance that it will undoubtedly be able to brag about in the future. On September 24, 2011, a semiformal for the sorority Kappa Kappa Gamma of Princeton University brought Tommy Lindeman ’14 into the club.

“We had no idea that something like this would happen,” said the manager of the club. “We thought it would just be another Saturday night with drunk college kids playing dress-up and honking like asthmatic donkeys into the microphones.”

They were wrong.

Lindeman, accompanying his date from the sorority, was a spectacle to behold. Translating various popular hits from the 90s and 00s into the pitch of his very limited vocal range, he was able to mold the songs into creations wholly unique, and wholly breathtaking.

“I didn’t know he had it in him,” said Charlie Kelly ’14, a friend of Lindeman’s that was also in attendance. “I mean, we’ve sang together before, but that was mostly just ‘Fidelity’ by Regina Spektor. Actually, I shouldn’t be that surprised. He really nailed that song.”

Working his way through various hits including songs from the catalogs of N*Sync, Backstreet Boys, and both old and new Britney Spears, Lindeman brought an energy to the semiformal that would have otherwise been severely lacking and sorely missed. Crowd favorites included Miley Cyrus’ ‘See You Again,’ Taylor Swift’s ‘Love Story,’ and Carrie Underwood’s ‘Before He Cheats.’

Mike Protesto ’12, another one of Lindeman’s friends, was also in attendance. “I’ve never thought anyone could rival Taylor Swift in singing her songs, but after that night, I think we’ve got a contender. He’s just able to infuse so much emotion into the lyrics while simultaneously keeping himself from actually getting emotionally invested in what he is singing. It was quite a humbling thing to experience.”

Part of the quality of his spirited performance could have been the result of the bus ride on the way to the karaoke club. “We were on the bus for a while,” said a Kappa Kappa Gamma attendee. “First we did our Kappa chants, but then the music started and everyone started singing along. Tommy sang along beautifully, and I guess all of those 80’s songs were just the perfect warmup.”

However, the whole night was not as magical as these glowing reviews make it out to be. “Ten minutes after [Lindeman] walked in the door, he was getting yelled at by the bouncer,” said Protesto. “Something about wrist-band etiquette, I don’t know, I didn’t catch that part. But things were getting really tense.”

According to Kelly, “[Lindeman] looked down at the guy and said quietly, ‘Do you know who I am?’ The guy said no, so Tommy started singing ‘I Believe I Can Fly,’ and the bouncer just shut his mouth. It seemed to be a very humbling experience for the man.”

After several hours of simultaneously raising the roof and bringing down the house, it was time to leave. “We were very sorry that Lindeman had to go so soon,” said the manager. “And also for all of that business with the bouncer, that was very unfortunate. We’d love to have him back anytime.”

Tragically, there is no audio documentation of Lindeman’s performance. “I took a bunch of pictures,” said Lindeman’s date, “they really don’t do his melodious pipes any justice, but he did look very sharp in that light grey suit.”

When prompted for his input, Lindeman merely said that he hopes word of that night reaches some record labels, and maybe he could swindle a record deal out of it. Explaining that it would be sad if nobody (including himself) capitalized off of such a lucrative business opportunity, he said he believed a call would come in any day. “I may have to start off pretty small,” said Lindeman. “You know, just some guest spots on songs by Justin Beiber, Rihanna, Eminem, etc. But from there I could debut a single or two, then a full album. It should all happen very soon, so keep an eye out for my name. It’ll be at the top of the charts.”

With Implants and Filler, Lindeman Readies for Reality

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“I really think this is going to be it for me,” remarked Tommy Lindeman as he waited anxiously in the waiting room of his doctor’s office. “This will be the moment I rocket to stardom.”

Lindeman was visiting the office for his most recent body augmentation procedure. This time, he would be getting filler.

“The trick is to make it seem like essential health care, you know, to get the insurance company to pay for it,” explained Lindeman. “Otherwise, body work gets expensive!”

“[Lindeman] has been complaining of sore throats for the last three years,” said his wife, L. Burton. “I told him to get it checked out for that entire time, but did he listen to me? No.

“It wasn’t until I mentioned that filler might be an option that he actually made the appointment.”

After an initial meeting with a laryngologist, Lindeman was diagnosed with an atrophied vocal cord, probably due to a nasty bout of COVID-19 at the end of 2020. And the treatment plan was exactly what he was hoping for.

“Fill me up, baby!” Lindeman is said to have exclaimed loudly over and over after his diagnosis. The doctor would inject filler into his vocal cord to, according to medical jargon, “plump that puppy up.” Lindeman was ecstatic.

“Honestly, I’ll do anything for the paycheck,” Lindeman’s laryngologist said. “If he wants it, and he’ll pay out the wazoodle for it, who am I to judge?”

The filler procedure is only the latest in a long list of body enhancements that Lindeman has been pursuing. Most recently, he augmented himself with a pair of implants.

“Everyone should be able to have their physical body match what they feel in their heart of hearts it should truly be,” explained Lindeman. “For the longest time, I believed my body was limiting my true self. And so I got a pair of great silicon implants to make my vision my reality. Who would stop that?”

Lindeman referred to his ocular implants as “vision-affirming surgery,” ending three decades of imperfect vision.

Between his implants and his filler, Lindeman hopes to become perfect enough to be cast in the pinnacle of stardom: reality television.

“You look at a lot of reality TV shows, and all the actors and actresses have some kind of work done,” said Lindeman. “Age has no effect on them, they have become their truest selves — and the camera eats it up! So I’m looking to get eaten up too.

“I haven’t heard anything yet, but it’s early days.”

So what’s next for Lindeman in his Frankensteinian mission to slice and dice his body into reality TV’s next himbo? Tattooed eyebrows? Knee extensions? A BBL?

Lindeman smiles at the question and winks with both eyes. “Only time will tell!”

From the Archives: Lindeman Discovers Hidden Talent

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From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published October 6, 2011

The Princeton University Ballet held an introductory class on September 24, 2011. One of the leaders of the PUB shared an invite for the event on Facebook. Unsurprisingly, Tommy Lindeman, Class of 2014, decided to make an appearance.

“I originally did it just to support [a friend in PUB],” said Lindeman. “But as the day approached, it became something more to me.” At 3PM on the dot, Lindeman walked into the ballet room wearing a sleeveless T-shirt, leggings, and a headband to catch the sweat that would undoubtedly come from his efforts.

Unknown to Lindeman, from that point on, things would just get worse. “I had a great time,” said Lindeman, who received some unfounded confidence with the presence of teammates H. Kohl, Class of 2013, and A. Amico, Class of 2013. “I think I really showed the PUB that I could be a real asset to their group.”

More of an “ass” than an “asset,” Lindeman leapt across the room with no signs of balance, motor skills, or self-respect. “I had a little trouble pointing my toes,” said Lindeman, “but I don’t think that held me back at all.” But it did, his constant foot cramps made him spasm through the various motions like an inebriated centipede.

“Keeping time was a real issue for him,” said a PUB representative. “Also, he couldn’t really move well, or correctly. His arms flopped around in the wrong directions. I don’t know who he was following, but it wasn’t anyone in that room.” In fact, others remarked, it looked like he might have been having an epileptic seizure.

Lindeman, oblivious to his inability to make any of his movements look even remotely natural, continued to brag about his self-proclaimed skills. “I crushed the jumping, I could jump higher than anyone else. That might not have been the objective, but I did it, and I did it well.”

When combined with twirling across the room, Lindeman’s jumping proved to be less than amazing. “He started running at top speed, spun, and jumped,” said the PUB rep. “He fell and immediately started crying.”

“Yeah, I totally fooled them all with my fake crying,” said Lindeman. “They all bought it. Suckers.” He later claimed his eyes were red only because his contacts were bothering him.

Even the basic stances proved difficult for him. “I thought I got the four stances down pretty well. Or six stances. Probably six, that sounds right.” These stances led into the final lesson: bowing to your teacher. No one in attendance was amused by his lack of talent. “He even managed to butcher that, and the bow is the easiest part!”

“At the end, I got a sticker for participating,” said Lindeman. “They complimented me, and thanked me for coming. It was nice of them, but I could tell they were envious of my skills. And they should be; maybe I’ll actually join. I figure I can’t really suppress my gift, that would be selfish.”

[Ed. Note:

A few months later, Lindeman attended PUB’s spring show, and was proud to see that his efforts had been recorded on video, and were shown during intermissions to amuse the crowd.

“I guess my invitation to perform was lost in the mail,” rationalized Lindeman. “So they did the next best thing and showed the video of me mastering the craft.

“The video quality was a bit of a joke though, everyone in the audience was laughing at how bad it looked.”]

From the Archives: Lindeman Decides to Lie to Children

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From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published October 5, 2011

“I’m the guy that makes the waves in the ocean,” said Tommy Lindeman, Princeton Class of 2014, to a small boy on the beach this past summer. “I’m actually making the water really rough right now so that your mom doesn’t let you go in.”

After years of telling the truth and being kind to kids, Lindeman has decided to make a complete 180°. Prompted by what he calls the “naivete of children,” he will begin telling them things that are completely false, but sound like they could be true.

“Hopefully they fall for it, and in the future they’ll get embarrassed by their incorrect knowledge,” remarked Lindeman. “That’s my one goal, to make these kids feel bad about themselves.”

There is a distinction to be made, according to Lindeman. “These lies aren’t little white lies, like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, or all dogs go to heaven. I want these kids to have no doubt that what I say is true, because these things could possibly make sense. They come from a sort of false intuitive reason.”

Lindeman put a lot of thought into each of his lies. “Right now, I think I’ve got a couple great ones in the tank, ready to go. One is, when you breathe out into cold air, the foggy air that comes out of your mouth is actually the tail of your soul. Your soul looks like a ghost that was rammed down your throat, and when it gets cold, it gets smaller and the tail slips out. Why do moms and dads kiss? Because they’re sharing their souls. And why do you give people CPR? Because you’re giving them part of your soul to bring them back to life. It just makes sense, at least to the little idiots.”

Children weren’t always terrible things to Lindeman, but months of sitting on the beach with kids pestering him with inane and unintelligent questions have soured them for him. He no longer enjoys seeing their smiling faces, nor does he find anything they do to be cute or endearing. Ultimately, this new choice of life will, he believes, be his counter to every horrible moment that he has ever had to spend around them.

But this new lifestyle doesn’t come without it’s own problems. Lindeman was chastised by the mother of the small boy whom he convinced he controlled the waves. “She just went off on me,” said Lindeman, “screaming about how I wasn’t allowed to lie to her son. Maybe if she watched her kid and didn’t let him come up and bother me for so long, it wouldn’t have happened. But it did, and I’m happy about it.”

Lindeman has recently readied another good “false fact” to begin telling children. “Chicken noodle soup’s noodles are actually the brains of chickens. Think about it, ‘using your noodle’ refers to using your brain, and brains actually look like layers of noodles. I’ll ask the kids if they ever played that Halloween game where they get blindfolded and put their hands in spaghetti while their friends or parents told them it was brains. So brains are noodles, and chicken noodle soup is actually chicken brain soup.”

Beyond the basic thrill of misleading children, Lindeman also thinks that he is benefiting them. “I believe in the end, I’m actually helping these kids. The world is cold and unforgiving. The sooner they learn that nothing can be accepted as true and that most people in the world are awful, the sooner they can grow up. Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t care about that crap at all; I just want to lie to kids.”

From the Archives: Lindeman Furthers Education In England, Forsakes God And Country

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From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published August 29, 2011

In the late hours of Friday, August 26th, Jack Lindeman boarded the plane that would take him from the United States to Great Britain. He plans on studying at Cambridge for the next two years, returning only for occasional breaks.

“We all originally thought he was going over [to England] for something useful,” said Lindeman’s brother Stephen. “It turns out, he’s not a spy. Not even a little bit. And he says he doesn’t plan on doing any sort of sabotage. We’re all really disappointed in him.”

Lindeman, a graduate of Princeton University Class of 2011, was accepted into the University of Cambridge several months ago. Rather than joining the workforce and helping to revitalize his home country’s economy, he opted instead to continue his education.

“I just don’t know what we did wrong,” said his mother Joan. “I thought we raised him right, neither of his brothers seem like they want to betray their country like this.” Her sentiments were echoed by both the President of the United States, and the general American public.

While many people immediately think the worst of Lindeman, some believe he might actually have ulterior motives. “Just look at the way their government is run,” said an ignorant family acquaintance who requested to remain anonymous. “There’s a monarchy in place, and if you know anything about current events, there’s only a queen on the throne, no king. I think he’s planning to make moves on that Elizabeth II, to become the king. And I really don’t blame him, she’s quite the looker.” Lindeman denied any sort of plans to pursue a romance with the Queen.

“It’s upsetting that he’s joined the redcoats,” said Kate Baker, Princeton Class of 2012. “I thought he was better than that, but it turns out he likes to fraternize with losers. And they’re obviously losers. America won, we beat them. And they basically begged for our help in World War Two, they couldn’t handle Hitler on their own. I guess losers are drawn to other losers.”

Lindeman must harbor a large amount of hatred for America—and all of the Americans he knows —if he is willing to trade in steak and eggs for fish and chips. “I feel like he utterly despises all of us,” said Baker. “And I think I speak for everyone when I say, ‘good riddance.’”

From the Archives: Lindeman Prepares for Arrival of Hurricane Irene

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From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published August 11, 2011

Wearing a trash-bag poncho, Tommy Lindeman walked around his grandmother’s summer house in Cape May, NJ as he prepared the building for the coming storm. “This is going to be big, a real game-changer.”

Hurricane Irene has already hit parts of the southern United States, and will still be a Category 2 or Category 3 storm by the time it reaches Cape May. There is a 90% chance the eye of the hurricane will hit the small island at the southern-most point of New Jersey.

“This experience is so alien to me,” said Lindeman as he taped windows and locked away patio furniture. “But I feel as if I’ve been preparing for this my entire life.” He then went into the tool shed and pulled out a sledgehammer, a large shovel, and some barbed-wire. “Still, I am having a hard time deciding whether to use the hammer or the shovel. Both would work pretty well.”

While the storm itself will be a problem, the main focus of Lindeman’s work is to prepare for the aftermath. “I can only assume that there will be large gangs of survivors traveling across the island looting, starting fires, and partying too loudly at night. I really can’t stand for that, I need to be able to sleep at night.”

Lindeman explained that he felt he had watched enough post-apocalyptic movies to know what sort of role he had to take. He plans on roaming the island, living off the remains of humanity’s past accomplishments, while trying to find his place in a new, godforsaken world.

“There obviously won’t be any sort of coherent society, so normal laws won’t apply,” said Lindeman. “I’ll be able to take food and other essential supplies from abandoned or semi-abandoned stores and homes without feeling any guilt. And that’s very important to me.”

The problem of who to trust is also something he prepared for: “I don’t think I can let anyone too close. There’s not really any reason to, and I think I’ll get by alright by myself. It doesn’t seem that strange to me. You could say I’ve never really trusted anyone in my life.”

Irene is supposed to make landfall sometime late Saturday night or early Sunday morning. Winds will reach upwards of 100 miles per hour, and waves will average out at 16 feet above their normal height.

“I’m not sure what the new form of currency will be,” said Lindeman as he sealed dry socks and Peanut Chews into a water-proof container. “Because of that, I’m collecting everything: coats, plants, bottle caps, even jokes. I won’t be the poorest person in the Cape May Wasteland.”

Despite the unknowns, Lindeman still has his eye on the prize. “The most important thing is looking the look. If I don’t look like a man struggling to live in a world that desperately wants him dead, how can I even bare to live at all? Short answer: I can’t. In fact, that’s the only answer.”

Lindeman plans on wearing torn jeans, construction boots, raggy t-shirts, and a leather duster. “Maybe a hat, too,” he said. “Who knows? Gotta look good.” Every article of clothing will be covered in dirt and grime, without exception. His main weapon of choice is still undecided, either the sledgehammer wrapped in barbed-wire, the shovel wrapped in barbed-wire, or just a lot of barbed-wire, but he will always be carrying a shotgun — if he’s able to acquire one. “It’s just a standard necessity. And it looks awesome, even unloaded. Everything comes back to the look.”

The storm is supposed to be one of the worst Cape May has seen in a century, worse than one in 1944 that washed away a large portion of the town. Residents have already been forced to leave in a mandatory evacuation but Lindeman chose to stay, mainly for the “man points.”

“I could be that mysterious guy that always shows up in the nick of time to save innocents from being killed by marauding bands of savages,” said Lindeman, as he hammered nails into a baseball bat and wrapped it in barbed-wire. “Or I could be one of those savages. A lot of the details are still up in the air.”

From the Archives: As the Prospect of Superpowers Comes Closer to Reality, Lindeman Hopes for the Best

On By TommyIn From the Archives, The Lindeman DailyLeave a comment

From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published August 1, 2011

On the morning of August 1, Tommy Lindeman, will be receiving a bone scan. The scan is a long process, beginning with the injection of radioactive dye into Lindeman’s system. Lindeman hopes that the addition of radioactive material to his system will result in the acquisition of supernatural abilities.

“Lots of great superheroes received their powers through radioactive materials,” said Lindeman on July 31. “Bruce Banner became The Hulk through gamma radiation, Matt Murdock became the Daredevil, the Fantastic Four were hit by cosmic radiation. Heck, even Alex Mack could turn into goo.”

The doctors’ ultimate goal for the bone scan is to take pictures of Lindeman’s skeleton and see if the dye has accumulated in any cracks or fissures in his bones. Lindeman’s ultimate goal is to become an immortal superhero. “I probably won’t fight crime or anything,” said Lindeman. “I’ll just live my life normally, keep my abilities secret, and use them whenever they could be advantageous.”

“Heat vision, flight, super strength, super speed, telekinesis, the ability to breathe underwater, regeneration, the Force,” said Lindeman, listing off just a few of the powers he’d like. “Shapeshifting, invisibility, those are cool, too. But I don’t want to talk to animals, that’s beneath me.”

Lindeman believes he could easily disguise his abilities if they are not too obvious. “I’m already pretty amazing now,” said Lindeman. “The powers would add to that, but to everyone else, they would just seem like a natural evolution. Also, I’m pretty easy to pick out of a crowd. It’d be too ridiculous to assume that the most visible person was hiding a secret identity.”

“I’m even open to the idea of having a drastic transformation of my body,” said Lindeman. “I’m not against becoming something totally unrecognizable, like The Lizard, The Thing, or Beast. I mean, sure, that’d be pretty inconvenient, but at least it’s something. Right?”

Lindeman must wait three hours between the radioactive dye injection and the actual scanning of his bones. He said that he’d probably spend the in-between time napping in his car.

“If the the mutation—in addition to giving me some sweet powers—happens to turn me insane,” said Lindeman, “that’s okay, too. Sure, I’ll go crazy and probably kill a bunch of people, yeah. But I’ll also have enough power to actually have the capacity to do something like that. Pretty awesome if you ask me. Not for the other people, though.”

Bone scans are a type of nuclear medicine that have been in use since the 1960s. Between then and now, there have been no cases of supernatural abilities being instilled in the patients of this procedure.

“Ultimately, I just want powers. Powers, and immortality. And a sidekick could be cool, after my adventures start getting stale. You know, to keep it fresh. So just powers, immortality, and a sidekick. That’s it. And maybe a kind of secret base or something.”

This will be Lindeman’s second bone scan. The first, though successful in diagnosing a broken rib, did not yield him any super powers.

From the Archives: Lindeman Develops Sunglass Tan

On By TommyIn From the Archives, The Lindeman DailyLeave a comment

From the Archives is a series of reposted articles from a previous iteration of The Lindeman Daily. There is more information about that iteration of the site in the About section, but the gist is that each post is a satirical news article sensationalizing the life of a college student/recent graduate. Most of these pieces are over 10 years old; some have aged like wine while others have aged like milk. And like aged wine and aged milk, they are probably more palatable when all mixed together. Enjoy!

Originally published July 18, 2011

Five weeks into his 2011 summer vacation, Tommy Lindeman, knew he had a problem. “Something was up,” he said in an interview over the phone, “but it took me a while to put my finger on it.” Despite being out of school since the beginning of June, he didn’t realize his issue until he saw his reflection on July 16th. “I’ve got a sunglass tan.”

The contrast between the tan skin and the lines is as stark as the differences between night and day. “It’s pretty bad,” said Stephen Lindeman. “It is actually ridiculous. I didn’t like leaving the house with [T. Lindeman] before, but now I actively avoid it.”

T. Lindeman works as a lifeguard on the Jersey shore, spending time on the beach from 9:30 AM to 5:30 PM. “It’s really optimum bronzing time,” said Lindeman, “but obviously that can backfire.” He explained that a veteran guard tried to tell him the lines were a sign of pride. “He told me that when people see the lines, they’ll understand we’re guards and we’ve earned the funny looking skin tones. He’s wrong, though. People just see them and laugh, pointing and whispering behind their hands.”

“I should have seen the signs,” said Lindeman. “People began giving me funny looks as I passed by at night. Kate [Baker] started calling me ‘Raccoon Eyes.’ Some guy even came up to me and said, ‘Hey, you’ve got a really bad sunglass tan.’ I really did not see this coming.”

Along with the crazy face tan, Lindeman also has a dark tan on the front of his legs, but the backs of his thighs are very pale. “I sit on a lifeguard stand all day, there’s no way to turn over onto my stomach. If I lean forward, I can get my back in the sun, but the backs of my legs haven’t seen the sky all summer. And it looks pathetic.”

Lindeman forwarded a picture of his face to interviewers midway through the phone call. “What do you mean it’s not tan?!” exclaimed Lindeman when the interviewers commented on the color. “It totally is! That can’t be a sunburn!” After studying a mirror, he retracted that statement.

“It’s definitely all burn. I look like I’m constantly embarrassed. And I’m not. Well, not constantly. Actually, on second thought, it’s pretty constant. Probably an all-the-time sort of thing. Maybe it’s not actually sunburn, maybe I’m just embarrassed. Nope, some skin just came off, definitely burnt.”

Sunburn is a constant threat on the beach. T. Lindeman uses sunscreen with an SPF of 70. “We all make fun of him,” said Jack Lindeman, a fellow lifeguard. “Everyone else uses SPF 30. He waltzes around with zinc on his nose like a complete dork. He looks like a loser.”

Sunglass tans, also known as “raccoon eyes,” have become a sign of shame. They are commonly viewed as being tangible examples of “softness,” and they showcase an inability to take heat from the sun. People who sport this unsavory fashion are frequently regarded with disdain.

For Lindeman, there does not seem to be an end in sight. At the end of the phone call he began to break down. “It’s just so bright. All the time.” Interviewers quickly hung up because “it was just too damn depressing.”